I’ve got three children’s parties in the next 24 hours.
If I don’t make it: tell my kids it’s their fault.
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As the pair of scissors steps up to the starting line, the other runners quickly realize that this race just got a whole lot more dangerous.
Guy at door: How would you like to make a donation to our local orphanage?
Dad: yea sure [yells up to me] son, you live with this guy now!
INTERVIEWER: I’m sorry, I don’t think you’re really suited for the role of librarian
BRIAN BLESSED: WHY NOT?
[ robbing grocery store ]
me: put the money in the bag
her: paper or plastic
If you drop a peanut in a shag rug forget it, let it go.
Leaving a watermelon on someone’s doorstep in the middle of night is a pretty inexpensive way to occupy a portion of their mind forever.
(Don’t let her know you can’t read)
Yes I’ll have this
*points to menu*
-So you want the gratuity of 15% added to parties of 8 or more?
Shit
“Go ahead, caller. . .”
“Yes, hello. My dog dug up a femur and I’d like to make soup. Would you suggest carrots or potatoes?”
My 3yo doesn’t understand Where’s Wally and just keeps hiding the book from his brother
Seasons are confusing in Los Angeles. Time to pull out my winter sundress.
[funeral]
ME: I never know what to say at these things.
WIDOW: sorry for your loss.
ME: it’s ok, I’m sure I’ll think of something.
My husband and I are celebrating our “porcelain” anniversary in a few days. Sounds like someone is getting a new toilet this year.
*goes to wedding*
*gives the couple 2 coupons for a free Big Mac as their wedding gift*
*walks away feeling really good about this decision*
I took my sandwich out of the bag and I saw THIS! I went back and spoke with the manager an demanded an explanation. He looked confused, so I pointed at the writing and asked why someone felt the need to write it. He answered, “because you ordered a BLT with cheese?”🙈
wife *sees chair* [thinking] That would look great with the new rug in the living room
me *sees chair* [thinking] Chair
That awkward moment when you spend an hour online picking out a gift for your friend’s son’s birthday and Amazon tells you it’s been a year since you bought this item
A short story about romance.
“Relax, honey. It’s more scared of you than you are of it.”
Her, 4: I want a baby! New baby sister? Or brother?
Me: We can’t have another baby. You would need a new daddy for mommy to have another baby
Her: New cat?
I took a break from social media to spend more time with my family. My family has requested I spend more time with social media.
WOMAN NAMED CATHY: my name is cathy
ME: ah yes short for catheter i presume
Pro tip: No matter how much you hate wrapping, never ask your wife to wrap her own Christmas presents.
Pro of being an adult, I can eat a whole cake, and no one can stop me
Con of being an adult, I ate a whole cake and no one stopped me.
Now I feel sick
scarlet joe hanson sounds like an old timey boxer’s name. “weighin’ in at 182 lbs, 5’9″, the ol’ black widow, scarlet jooooooe hansen!”
Pfizer: our vaccine is 90% effective
Moderna: our vaccine is 95% effective
Pfizer: sorry, I meant ours is 95%. That’s what I meant to say
Moderna: ours is 195%
Oxford: ours can fold fitted sheets
If Dracula bit my neck, KFC gravy would just come out
Architects should try and design a house with no yelling
Jesus: this is my body
disciples: *eat bread*
Jesus: this is my blood
disciples: *drink wine*
Jesus: I also made brownies
Judas: but I have diabetes
Jesus: huh. Well, isn’t this a shame *holds eye contact while eating a brownie* shame, shame, shame
When you stop looking for it is when you’ll find it.
Happiness, love, that last beer in the back of the fridge.