I’ve got to go guys. Yesterday I bought a new shampoo that’s supposed to change my life.
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If you use the word “whatevs” I will refuse to drink with you, unless you’re buying me a drink then whatevs.
The field sobriety test was going ok until I grabbed two traffic cones and did a Madonna impersonation.
“ENTER PASSWORD”
*types ‘snowflake’*
“RE-ENTER PASSWORD”
*types ‘snowflake’*
“ERROR. PASSWORDS MUST BE IDENTICAL”.
Dollar Tree pregnancy tests.
For when you only want to be 35% sure.
The Slow and The Furious: me navigating a shopping cart through a grocery store filled with morons.
The average person gains 4 pounds during the holidays. Once again, I’m above average.
And for my next trick I’ll be pulling the rug from under your feet
~Life
Sue: I’m off to the hairdressers, what sort of cut would make me look beautiful? *giggles*
Stan: A power cut.
Daughter: dada what are you watching?
Me: my favorite movie A Quiet Place.
Son: what’s it about?
Me: a kid gets eaten by a monster for playing too loud.
[later]
Wife: why are the kids so quiet today?
Me: no idea lol.
boss: you’re late
me: and you are not the father
Maybe cats always look like they’re planning our demise because we keep calling them things like mrs snugglepaws the second
accidentally emailed my kid’s kindergarten enrollment form to UC Berkeley admissions instead of Berkeley Unified School District. we’ll see what happens. maybe he’ll get in
Like sure, yes. Encouraging independent play is good for a kid’s development but like…these people sound like they just want to leave their babies in the wilderness for the wolves to raise
5’s friend told him his mom makes play doh. Thanks Pinterest. I’m already expected to cook 3 meals a day, now I have to cook their toys too?
I’m at a kids fun park and let me just emphasize that the word “fun” is used loosely here.
horse: is ur name liam
liam neeson: yea?
horse: lol i know u we worked together on a different movie
liam neeson: does anybody else hear this horse talking to me
lot going on here, legally speaking.
Whales go days, sometimes weeks at a time without giving anyone their opinion.
My 9YO told me she didn’t think I was allowed to watch an R-rated movie because you have to be “at least 70” to watch that and I’m just like hell yeah she thinks I’m under 70.
Husband: You want to have sex?
Me: We probably shouldn’t because I’m coughing.
Husband: Ewww. I didn’t say I wanted to kiss.
Me:
There’s a Beverly Hills restaurant so hip, it doesn’t have a name just a texture
Wife: “You talk like some poorly written science fiction novel. I’m leaving you.”
Me: “I swear by the 12 moons of Bumtar I can change!”
Me: I think I need a life coach who lives with me
Her: like a mom
Me: haha exactly, and—
Waiter: [whispering] sir the ring is sinking into the chili
Well, we made it 9 years, but it finally happened. Every parents’ nightmare. In the middle of the night our daughter caught us in the act, right there on the couch. Eating ice cream.
HER: I’m from outside London.
ME: Nearly the entire world is outside London.
My wife begged me to stop singing Outkast songs, so I was like, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alri
I just asked my boyfriend does he think I’m loud. His response “Well it’s very easy to hear you…”
???????????????????????
Interviewer: it says here your interests include connecting people
Me: correcting people, actually
I: no it’s-
Me: i know what it says