“I Didn’t Want This But I Ate it Anyway to Keep Myself from Eating the Worse Thing and Then I Ate That Too”, an autobiography.
I’ve got to go guys. Yesterday I bought a new shampoo that’s supposed to change my life.
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Scarface: SAY HELLO TO MY LITTLE FREN
Danny Devito: well hello there
SOON I WILL DESTROY ALL OF YOUR HEROES AND TAKE MY PLACE AS YOUR WORLD LEADER BUT FIRST WHAT IS YOUR MOM’S CASSEROLE RECIPE IT IS DELIGHTFUL
[sifting through mail]
baby shower invitation? Haha, um no thanks, Linda. I have a regular size shower that I can use whenever I want
I was gonna say “that’s the stupidest thing I’ve ever heard” but, I wanna wait to hear what you have to say next..
To celebrate Boxing Day on Friday, I had a five minute training montage and beat the shit out of the biggest Russian I could find …
i’ve seen enough demonic possession movies to know that as soon as you see your kid just standing at the foot of your bed, you kill it. don’t be a hero
You don’t care when my dog does it, is not an acceptable explanation for shitting on your neighbor’s lawn. I know this now.
Crows are like if a witch decided “I’m a bird now, too”
HER: I have something I want to tell u
ME: me too
HER: *smiles coyly* same time?
HER: 1,2,3 I LOVE YO-
ME: ONE TIME I ATE DOG FOOD