“I’ve got toes in different area codes.”
– Ludacris steps on a land mine
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Robin: “Let me drive the Batmobile!”
Batman: “Never. I’d rather let Superman.”
*wall breaks down*
Superman: “OMG really??”
Batman: “No.”
[shopping]
May I help you find something?
“Where are the giants?“
What?
“Your sign outside says there’s a giant sale.“
A lot of Future Billionaires are currently in my mentions telling me how wrong I am about crypto (I didn’t really give an opinion either way but they’re HERE TO LET ME KNOW!). Dang boys you’re right. Gonna buy in and start hassling strangers online, this is how we get rich
The Shawshank Redemption but it’s just me tunneling from my office to the break room so I don’t have to talk to my boss.
A hop and a tag…you’re it! 😂😜😺
Me: 🙂
Facial recognition: nope, don’t see it
Me: 😐
Facial recognition: noooo?
Me: 🤨
Facial recognition: no
Me: 😒
Facial recognition: mayyybe??? nvm, no
Me: 🥴
Facial recognition: THERE YOU ARE
My son is running back and forth from the kitchen to his room because he can’t bring the chips to his room.
He’s nothing if not a problem solver.
If I’m “supposed to” shave my knees then why are they shaped like that ? Exactly
candy corn tastes like it has already been chewed
I forgot the term “kidney stones” so I called them pee pebbles.
Fitbits are just Tamagotchi except the stupid animal ur trying to keep alive is u
My 5yo won a toy from the claw machine, so now I’m going to make him buy me a lottery ticket
“It’s not my fault I keep losing my gloves.”
– a kid whose fault it most definitely is-
St. Patrick’s Day is the day we all watch Ghost and Dirty Dancing in honor of Patrick Swayze.
My ex was saved in my phone as “the antichrist” until my children were able to read.
My superpower is finding the one bathroom stall with no toilet paper.
TV Show Idea:
Speculation news.
A sort of news programme that uses a small amount of information and stretches it out for hours on end with absolutely no further facts other than speculation based on nothing at all, by self appointed experts in unrelated subjects.
Dear ladies who wear black tights and red shoes:
Please stop.
Minnie Mouse is not a style icon for grown women.
Love,
M
😍😂🥰😂😍
Stop asking yourself if something is a good idea and start asking yourself if you can get away with it.
Me: I’m terrible at fractions
Also me, at work: In another 23 minutes I’ll be 64/73rds through the day
All I’m saying is that just once it’d be nice for the cat to be the one pointing the laser for me to chase.
[Watching the sunset over Paris]
BF: My darling *goes down on one knee*
GF: OH MY GOD!!
BF: THIS is how I proposed to my last girlfriend
Computer: Are you sure you want to trust this printer?
Printer: *shifty eyes*
There are two types of children: those that get up in the middle of the night, and those who get up way too early. And they’re siblings.
Do you wish you were always broke?
Are you tired of having a thriving social life?
Is too much sleep boring you?Parenthood. It’s for you
*gets so drunk I grab a fish out of your fish tank and shakes it at you screaming “WHAT KIND OF DOG IS THIS?!” *
Then suddenly you’re a mom declaring ownership over swept dirt on the kitchen floor yelling DON’T YOU DARE WALK THROUGH MY DIRT PILE
If a sister is a nun then a brother is a bun this makes zero sense aaand send
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