I’ve got two tickets to paradise.
Oops. One’s just a parking ticket.
Here. You can have that one.
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H: Something’s wrong with you.
M: Yes.
H: No, like for real.
M: Yes, I told you that from day one.
H: But you were kidding…
M: Haha, no.
everyone’s allowed one idiotic business idea, and this is mine: a high-end restaurant for chewing gum. we manufacture many of our own gums in-house, but we also offer rare and vintage varieties. you want gatorgum, the gatorade gum from 1992? it’s part of tonight’s $155 prix fixe
Eve: I think we should see other people.
Adam: There’s other people here?
Eve: No.
A: What the…
E: Sshh! Don’t make this difficult.
*gets ghosted*
Me: awesome, thanks for the 14-day free trial
Words are fun. A “bat” can be a piece of sports equipment or an animal. A “spirit” can be a ghost or a beverage. A “content” creator can be someone who creates videos or who walks around screaming all of the time.
Who are we?
CLIENTS!What do we want?
WE DON’T KNOW!When do we want it?
RIGHT NOW!
Every birthday is a surprise party after you turn 80.
My daughters moved out on their own and they call me periodically to ask for advice and answers. I kind of thought watching me raise them would have proven that I’m winging it, but for some reason, they think that I know things?
Golf would be better with landmines.
I’m just saying, the ratio of people who say they “make their own sauce” doesn’t correlate with the amount of sauce available in stores
[1st Day working at Hotel California]
Guest: Id like 2 check out
Me: Sure! Youre all set!
G: Thanks! [Leaves]
Boss: Can I see u in my office
Does a UFO remain an UFO once you identify it as a UFO?
If you think Mayweather vs. McGregor is going to be a big fight, wait until my wife finds out I just paid $100 to watch it.
Why can’t the T-Rex clap it’s hands? Because it’s extinct.
Shania Twain marrying her best friend’s ex husband after her husband and best friend had an affair is some count of monte cristo level shit
Ever talk to someone so stupid you can actually hear them misspelling words?
Vampire selfies are just phones floating in front of bathroom mirrors.
I got asked for nudes once and I was like, “No, I’m married.” And he was like, “Yeah, I know. I’m your husband.”
The vegetable crisper or as I call it, the cold garbage can.
[funeral]
ME: [giving eulogy] we lost a man, but we gained a corpse
I hate it when I wear my favourite red cape and don’t get eaten by a wolf.
me: I’d like to work from home
hr: request deni—
m: but it’s government advice
hr: it’s simply imposs—
m: and these are dangerous times
hr: but you’re a train driver?
Cartoon orange juice is just pulp fiction
If laziness was an Olympic sport, I’d probably come in fourth so I wouldn’t need to walk up to the podium.
Whales go days, sometimes weeks at a time without giving anyone their opinion.
This meal prepping shit is easy
Don’t you hate when you do something out of the kindness of your heart & someone gets upset because you shoved a pack of gum in their mouth?
My daughter spelled America “Merica” on a book report so now I’m searching her room for Trump campaign propaganda.
Rich ppl should ride ambulances to flex instead of limos or whatever. I got a limo for my senior prom big deal. I know like one person who’s ridden an ambulance and their children’s children are going to be in debt for it
‘You’ll go to hell for that joke’
*in Hell
Me: What did you do?
Hitler: Genocide, what did you do?
Me: Dunno tweeted a joke