I’ve got two tickets to paradise.
Oops. One’s just a parking ticket.
Here. You can have that one.
You Might Also Like
Bank employees are called tellers, remember that next time you whisper them secrets.
New research reveals that “the printer’s not working” is the third most common English phrase, right behind “thank you” and “go f*** yourself”
Every grocery store has a manager, a clerk, and a person standing in front of the spices learning how alphabetical order works for the very first time.
“Seamstress, you come pleat me.”
-Pants
So I’m in Italy… went into a supermarket, I bought and drank almost half of this bottle thinking its water only for the cashier to tell me that I shouldn’t drink so much because it’s a laxative 🥲
[being murdered]
omg yay i never get picked for anything
I feel pretty confident that I could eat my way out of a vat of mashed potatoes.
Kids: you burned the popcorn
Me: you gave me stretch marks
Being a mom is easy
I use a wheelchair. Whenever I’m at a job interview and they ask me if I can sit for long periods of time, I want to say “Like a champion.”
Marriage is mostly blaming your spouse for not listening to the things you say, even when you’re not entirely sure you’ve said them out loud.
Always love a woman for her personality. They have like 10, so you can choose.
The Constitution has barely been altered in 200 years, but my $300 textbook is worth $0.82 bc they came out with a new edition mid-semester.
If you’ve ever wondered if your drunk Uncle would make a good President you aren’t wondering anymore.
*my obituary*
Here lies Sarah. She died of starvation after surrendering countless snacks to her “not hungry” children.
If Trump wins the presidency, you know who’s gonna be the most excited about buildin’ a Southern border fence? Canada.
“When life gives you people, mass murder them.” — An Angry Lemon.
Told my boss I would be turning in my badge and my gun. He said you work in IT, why do you have a gun.
When I watch hockey I pretend they’re fighting over the last Oreo.
I love when SVU recycles actors years later as if I won’t know this is the same woman who put a child in an igloo cooler and set it sail on the Hudson in 1999
Pro tip: smell the fragrant hand soap on your fingers while you’re in the restaurant’s restroom, not on your way back to the table.
there’s like 20 ppl on this flight and i asked the flight attendant for as much wine as he’s allowed to give me n he was like “holidays are rough buddy they’ll get better” dude i have flight anxiety im not a white woman in a romcom this speech isn’t necessary
I went for a run but came back home after 5 minutes because I forgot something.
I forgot that I’m fat and can’t run for more than 5 minutes
Whale: Hey did you hear I have a new girlfriend? She’s aaall over me it’s crazy.
Eel: For the last time barnacles don’t count as girlfriends
Them: Come out with us tonight. You might meet your future husband.
Me: Why are you threatening me?
serial killer: [gently knocking on my bathroom door] you…you ok in there?
My next-door-neighbor is such a bitch that regardless of what she says to me; I simply reply, “You’re barking up the wrong tree.”
ME: how about a horn solo
DRIVING INSTRUCTOR: that’s not how this works
Prom tip: DON’T HAVE A BABY
Starting to think the frog dissection skills I learned in high school are never going to pay off.