@Tuna_Lover

I’ve gotta go. This bottle of vodka isn’t gonna get arrested all by itself.

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@abhorrent_wife

Hi, I’m Megan. You may know me from such public encounters with kids as “No, YOUR face is stupid” and “I didn’t trip you, you fell”.

@LOLGOP

God must be a Republican. He wasn’t that into humans until He found His Son was one.

@DevilryFun

I do my best speed walking when I’m trying to beat another customer to the checkout at the liquor store.

@MandiAtRandom

“Can you cook dinner tonight?”

Can’t. New meds say I can’t operate any heavy machinery and that stove doesn’t look light

@JasonLastname

I bet the best massage in the world is getting attacked by a toothless shark.

@weinerdog4life

I’d like you to meet my family, my wife Sharon, my son Carl, and this balloon that follows me around

@DaHess1

Anytime I see a happy white couple in their 30’s sitting in front of a laptop, I just assume they are filming a credit score commercial.

@mela_shea

I once told a guy that I was really into physics so he surprised me with a copy of Stephen Hawking’s A Brief History of Time and that was the exact moment I remembered the word I was looking for was psychics.