Hi, I’m Megan. You may know me from such public encounters with kids as “No, YOUR face is stupid” and “I didn’t trip you, you fell”.
I’ve gotta go. This bottle of vodka isn’t gonna get arrested all by itself.
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God must be a Republican. He wasn’t that into humans until He found His Son was one.
I do my best speed walking when I’m trying to beat another customer to the checkout at the liquor store.
“Can you cook dinner tonight?”
Can’t. New meds say I can’t operate any heavy machinery and that stove doesn’t look light
I bet the best massage in the world is getting attacked by a toothless shark.
I’d like you to meet my family, my wife Sharon, my son Carl, and this balloon that follows me around
Her: How do you like your bacon?
Me: In bulk
Seriously guys, people drive like shit when I’m tweeting
Anytime I see a happy white couple in their 30’s sitting in front of a laptop, I just assume they are filming a credit score commercial.
I once told a guy that I was really into physics so he surprised me with a copy of Stephen Hawking’s A Brief History of Time and that was the exact moment I remembered the word I was looking for was psychics.