People keep tagging a random person instead of the incoming British prime minister and she’s rolling with it lol
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get you someone as goofy as you.. is.
I wore red lipstick today and my 4 year old, while wearing his underpants inside out, boldly informed me that I look like the Joker
*shows up at your potluck with a handful of McDonald’s ketchup packets*
I’ve been told I can be a bit condescending. That means I talk down to people.
Wanted: One (1) flat earther to be my friend so I can talk to you when I’m down and you can tell me my belly is actually flat.
No weirdos.
If Fitbit hired the owl from Duolingo we’d all be so buff
He’d keep us in line
One thing they teach in nursing school is when your patient is being questioned by police, to step in with “that’s enough for today, he needs to rest” right after he gives a key piece of information, but one sentence short of him telling the whole story.
An 800 number calls me
ME: UGHHH!
The 800 number immediately hangs up
ME: (sad) hey
Expressing laughter as “tee-hee” is only acceptable in written form.
Everybody knows that.
[opens jar of olives and pours them in my garden]
“Now grow to be a restaurant”
The Count of Monte Cristo remains popular because it speaks to that universal human desire to flex on everyone you went to school with
my body: please, eat something green
me: ugh, fine! *eats mint chip ice cream*
google: please stop
me: more frogs with teeth
Literally! 🤣 #dogs
Quit college. Become an oven. Get up to like 500 degrees.
Cop: you’re going to prison for forgery
Me *slides him a 37 dollar bill* what about now
Rich People Podcasts are wild.
Someone broke into my house last night and left a note saying they’d broken one of my keyboard keys.
I onder hich one.
Show yourself some self-love.
No. Not in public.
I was wondering how lightning worked, then it struck me.
[Using raccoons for a heist]
Pros:
• stealthy
• tiny hands
• no fingerprints
• blend in with the dark
• attracted to shiny things
• already have the outfitCons:
• distracted by shiny things
• not great with directions
• poor traffic safety
“astrology isn’t real” bro we’re on a spinning rock and we have to pay for water. nothing is “real”.
83% of white folks stressing about their court dates are referring to tennis.
Fred: You and Scooby go investigate. Velma, Daphne, and I will be in the Sex Machine.
Shaggy: The Mystery Machine?
Fred: Um, ya, whatever.
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
No, he could speak more languages than that. He had racist shoulders. His front teeth were impatient.
My parents are coming so I’ve put drop sheets over the entire house to look like we’re in the middle of painting. I don’t want them to know we live like this.
[speed dating]
date: what’s your biggest turn on?
me: wind turbines
date: ah i’m not a big fan
me: next
Michael Cera forgets to do laundry and has to wear a doctor costume to the hospital. He’s too shy to refuse people and performs 3 surgeries.
My wife is leaving for a cruise today and the only thing that she left me was a list of shows I’m not allowed to watch yet.
Bat 1: Do you ever think God made us blind so that we may see the world for what it truly is?
Bat 2: (startled) who said that