I’ve gotten to the point in my parenting career where I don’t just vacuum up Legos, I laugh while I do it.
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i’ve started reading before bed instead of scrolling twitter and not only am i sleeping really well, but i also think i’m better than everyone
Kid: Everything poops?
Me: Kinda
K: Trees don’t poop
M: Trees produce waste, which in their case is oxygen
K: So we’re breathing tree poop?
M:
K:
M: Don’t you have XBox to play or something?
ME: we need to take actionable steps to combat climate change
ME: *after two glasses of wine* i will do it. i will fight the freaking sun
I got hot wax at the car wash and now the vehicle is hairless.
My kid force-fed me popcorn so I had to act like I hated it, but it was secretly amazing
i just think if i chewed lava quick enough it wouldn’t be too bad
If Twitter has taught me anything it’s that I’m glad I am not a therapist
If you were a tree you’d be a bonsai, and if you were mine you’d be dead by now.
Me: I made this belt out of herbs
Her: why?
Me: oh, just waisting some thyme
If you’re going to give someone a piece of your mind, make sure you can spare it.
Breaking news:
I am not a pro at mind games, so I will be direct and ask, “are you or are you not going to offer me snacks?”
I can be a real tiger in bed. No, wait, wait… What’s that animal that plays dead?
My 11yo is begging me to let her get the ends of her hair dyed and says she’ll be the best child and do whatever I want if I say yes.
I already made the appointment but I’m gonna enjoy pretending I’m on the fence until then.
Men’s jeans: We have 1000 sizes. What is your waist? What is your height? Where are your hips?
Women’s jeans: We have two sizes, Chickpea and Sycamore
[attending a lecture on kleptomania]
Me: *taking notes*
Keynote speaker: please give me back my notes
Shout out to whichever childless person invented toys that erupt in an epic sound and light show when you toss em in the toy box at night.
Me, to all my kids before the age of 2.
“No screens allowed.”
On their 2nd birthday, handing over iPad.
“This is your mother now.”
One time I microwaved my lunch at work and my coworker said “That smells spicy! What is that–is that salt?” And when I was speechless she followed up with “Is it pepper?”
You had me at Whipped Cream Vodka.
*forces square peg into round hole
Round hole: wrong hole.
One time I put the burnt side of a grilled cheese face down on my child’s plate and almost got away with it.
“Better stop now before I do something to embarrass myself”
~me, never
police chief: you are using the police dogs wrong
me watching a dog bark at a criminal in the interrogation room: give him five more minutes
My coworker told me he got banned from a bar when he lived in North Dakota back in 1973 and didn’t try going back to it for 30 years but he finally did and the moment he stepped in someone yelled “Get the hell out of here Dennis” And that’s probably my favorite story ever
[Michael Cera being repeatedly asked by a librarian to speak up]
“Son, would you like to go to college some day, or would you like to keep ordering guac? Your choice.”
My kids continue to fight over the last piece of this dessert, or as I call it, Devil’s Feud Cake.
Funny women are smart. Be careful.
Me: Nice biker jacket. You ride?
Him: No
Me: So you’re a liar?
Him:
Me:
Him: Nice yoga pants
Me: That jacket looks so awesome on you!