I’ve had 3 men proclaim their love for me since the Coronavirus hit, so how’s your quarantine going?
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[alien parasite invasion]
ME: Welcome to earth, I’ll be your host
My plant is drunk, it’s growing in the wrong direction.
violence is never the answer unless you’re doing a crossword and it asks “behavior involving physical force” (8 letters)
On a girl’s vacation while drunk, we all bought hotdogs and then tried to give someone directions. I gestured so emphatically that I slung the wiener right out of my bun and into the street, and then ate it anyway because a $5 dog is a $5 dog. Follow me for more financial advice
me to my boyfriend: hey hey you you i don’t like your girlfriend
Nothing matters anymore so let’s bring back choreographed handshakes from 90s sitcoms
“What’s your favourite Pixar film?”
“Up, yours?”
“No need to be like that I was only asking”
I hate when you lose all that progress you made at the gym by going 6-7 years between workouts.
I was shit at school. I turned up to the wrong lessons and sat the wrong exams. The rest as they say is geography.
I told my wife I wanted a ferret, and the very idea made her so mad that for a second I thought I had mistakenly brought home a ferret.
I don’t get it. Rock beats scissors but no one says shit about running with them.
This skinny girl just told me she “forgets” to eat? Is that possible? I just licked her face in case it’s contagious.
Adopt a pitbull so that nobody asks you to babysit
If a kid yells “MOM” in a crowded store, a dozen women will spin around to look. If a kid yells “DAD,” a dozen guys will duck & hide.
If you get a DM from Keanu Reeves asking for money, it’s probably fake because I already took care of him
Husband; Who was at the door?
Me: The neighbors. They invited us over for drinks later. They said to come by at 6:37.
Husband: Do you think they meant 6:30? 7?
Me:
Husband:
Me: Yeah, that does make more sense.
Make new friends? bro out of what?
GUY: hey pal, if you have a problem, say it to my face
ME: *gets really close* i’m two months behind on my rent
“You saw nothing.”
-me, to the neighbor kids about the toy I just shoved in the trash
Namaste
Hot girl in the avatar, but no selfies in your pics.
I’m just gonna call you “bro” from now on.
*Beats guy over the head with celery.*
Stalking is hard.
therapist:
Ever considered using something other than comedy as a defense mechanism?me:
Like judgmental stares and mumbling?therapist:
No.me:
….Knives?therapist:
Forget I asked.
Hotel clerk: You’re eligible for a room upgrade
Me: Sweet!
Clerk: Exactly
No one has a dog’s back like another dog. If a dog hears barking it will trust the other dog and join it bark first ask questions later….
Sometimes I worry that pizza isn’t a real sport
Wife: [reaches for the fries on my plate]
Me: [slides grocery divider between plates]
Wife: you said you didn’t take that from the store.
Me: and you said you didn’t want any fries but here we are.
Timothy Chalamet as Willy Wonka is interesting. On one hand he looks like he’s never actually had chocolate before and on the other he does look like he would enjoy killing children in creative ways while wearing a goofy outfit.