I’ve had 3 new bosses at work in the last 6 months.
I wonder when they’re going to bring me in for questioning.
I should move the bodies.
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“Hey, watch your mouth!” I yell at the woman in this park that’s just letting her pet mouth run around all willy nilly.
So it turns out ghosting doesn’t work on credit card companies.
I own a lot of Nike shirts for a guy who just bought a movie on iTunes so he wouldn’t have to get up and get the DVD from the other room.
kid: dad how do you make a bubble?
me: well son you take an asset, and you give people a reason to value that asset at a much higher price than it’s intrinsic worth, thus triggering speculative investments-
kid: *puts away bubble blower and soap*
mentally somewhere in italy
A Victoria’s Secret commercial will always come on when you’re elbow deep in a bag of Doritos.
[1st date]
So, what’s your back story?
“I have scoliosis”
No, I mean your BACK STORY, like your history
“Oh! I got scoliosis as a child”
I go through the 7 stages of grief just to get to work everyday.
me: somebody stole a painting. they broke in, disabled the alarm–
detective: okay I got the picture
me: wow that was really fast
I’m not buying a coffee table until I finish walking around the furniture store barefoot kicking legs to see which hurts the least.
Drove past two First Baptist churches.
One of them is lying.
[in restaurant]
“Waiter, I’d like the soup please. What is it?”
“Well, it’s sort of like a drink but with lumps in it”.
This guy at the bar just said nobody gets off earth alive. And he and his buddies sat there for a second before the chick in the middle says “what about astronauts” and I love her
Got fired from Target for testing out the Nerf guns on their logo.
Unsuspecting male: So what kind of restaurants do you like?
Me: Open ones.
Stop telling people to cut toxic relationships out of their lives! I’m starting to run out of friends you guys.
This is how classically trained musicians beautifully battle on stage
Earth reviews
⭐☆☆☆☆
“The landscape is memorable but the human inhabitants are all shit”⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“They do amazing things with potatoes”
4-year-old: Tell me a scary story!
Me: One time little people popped out of your mom and they never stopped asking questions.
4: Why?
6 yo: I’m getting bigger, this house won’t fit me much longer.
Parents:
If you hit one child with one of the others, you can say they were just fighting.You’re welcome…
If ghosts exist, I bet there are a lot of haunted women’s locker rooms.
Going to church you guys need anything
My cat flicked a spider in my face just now. Soon as I finish screaming it’s time for me to go to bed
*walks in restroom reading phone*
*opens stall door & starts peeing*
Guy (pooping while staring at his phone): DUDE, WHAT THE…
[Screams into a dark wishing well]
“I want my coins back!”
[at interview]
INTERVIEWER: Who inspires you?
ME: Peter Piper.
INTERVIEWER: What does he do?
ME: It’s difficult to say.
UK English: colour, realise, marvellous
US English: color, realize, marvelous
Canadian English: All of the above are correct. We will use both in the same article and its useless to try and stop us, spellcheck softwares.
date: I think we’ve actually met before
picasso: sorry I’m not good with faces
Me: Ugh, I wish I still had a tablet. My phone screen is too small to read books on.
Also me: Guess I’ll read Twitter on my phone for six hours instead…