@Kyle_Lippert

I’ve had 3 Red Bulls today and now I can taste my heartbeat.

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@Smooheed

I imagine dinner would almost be cooked by now if I’d remembered to put it in the oven

– a memoir

@Jandalize

Why don’t we raise more chickens that lay Cadbury Creme Eggs so we can have them year-round?

@SadieSmithRoks

You can learn a lot about a man based on how he responds to a bird pooping on him.

Also background checks and digging thru his trash.

@spark_asis

I don’t get why someone would want the house in a divorce.

“your honor, I’d like to keep the building where my soul was sucked dry.”

@Cyd10e

Ladies, if Men had PMS they’d get into fist fights, defraud partners, start wars, abuse women, stop paying child support..HEY-wait a minute!

@Sean_Burgundy_

It’s so frustrating when your hitman doesn’t answer the phone after you’ve made amends with someone

@daddydoubts

My toddler kept asking for uncle hall and I’m like dude we don’t have an uncle hall in our family. Turns out he was asking for ALCOHOL so I was all dude you’re just 3yo so would you rather beer or wine?

@TheBigBatman

Wife left a note on the fridge it says “It’s not working, gone to my mom’s” I opened it and opened a beer, it’s cold, the fridge works fine?