I’ve had 3 Red Bulls today and now I can taste my heartbeat.

You Might Also Like


I imagine dinner would almost be cooked by now if I’d remembered to put it in the oven

– a memoir


Why don’t we raise more chickens that lay Cadbury Creme Eggs so we can have them year-round?


You can learn a lot about a man based on how he responds to a bird pooping on him.

Also background checks and digging thru his trash.


I don’t get why someone would want the house in a divorce.

“your honor, I’d like to keep the building where my soul was sucked dry.”


Ladies, if Men had PMS they’d get into fist fights, defraud partners, start wars, abuse women, stop paying child support..HEY-wait a minute!


It’s so frustrating when your hitman doesn’t answer the phone after you’ve made amends with someone


My toddler kept asking for uncle hall and I’m like dude we don’t have an uncle hall in our family. Turns out he was asking for ALCOHOL so I was all dude you’re just 3yo so would you rather beer or wine?


Wife left a note on the fridge it says “It’s not working, gone to my mom’s” I opened it and opened a beer, it’s cold, the fridge works fine?