i’ve had a few glasses of wine & this is the funniest thing i’ve seen in my entire life

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Me: I haven’t spoken to my mom in years. I do love her though.

Therapist: She isn’t going to live forever. You should call and tell her.

Me: You’re right…*dials number*
Mom, you’re going to die *hangs up*


My ancestors didn’t walk out of the jungle, cross continents, interbreed with at least two other types of hominids, survive wars and plagues and cross an ocean for me to have to eat an untoasted bagel.


The best part about owning cats is that they’ll eat you when you die and save you the cost of a funeral.


Have you been working out? You look amazing! You should be a supermodel. I ran over your dog.


“You thinkin what I’m thinkin?”
“That we should dance our way out of this street fight?”
“Wait what?”
“No time! Break on 8! And a 5 6 7 8.”


Her: You need to stop playing video games.

Me: Why?

Her: You have kids, you need to act like a father & go outside & play with them!



Me rushing back from the bathroom at 3 am so I dont lose any tiredness