Washing machine doesn’t give a shit
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To make up for all the junk I ate over the weekend, I plan to run 86 miles today.
Walnut: I look like a brain.
Broccoli: I look like a tree.
Mushroom: I look like an umbrella.
Banana: …. How about that stock market!
If money can’t buy you happiness then you’re in the wrong mall.
I don’t understand people with bare desks. My desk looks like a barfight started next door, crashed through my office, and kept on moving.
The problem with this world is that they just let anyone in.
After three hours with the kids my husband asked me to put him in time out and I was like: Hell no! it’s my turn
Tried to back up today in a car without a rear facing camera. I killed seven pedestrians and three dogs.
If you look in the mirror & say “pumpkin spice latte” 3x a white suburban girl will appear & tell you everything she loves about the fall
true crime documentaries are like “nobody suspected the husband until they found the life insurance policy”
WIFE: we need to talk about your drinking habit
ME (wearing a nun outfit): why *sips scotch* what’s wrong with it?
*sends epic tweet*
[no likes 3 hours later]
*waits 2 weeks, sends again*
[no likes 1 day later]
*starts typing*
NSA: dude, let it go
Remember–the only thing standing between you and your dreams is your appearance, lack of talent, and general personality.
ME: [extremely burnt out] I need to take the day off to relax
ALSO ME: I wonder if there is a way that I could relax that would be more productive
Living with my 6-year-old is like living with a firing squad, only it’s questions instead of bullets.
*In the back of an ambulance
Me: Change the radio station
Paramedic: Please don’t speak. You need to save your energy
Me: Im not dying to a Nickelback song
Workin hard. Putting my nose to the grindstone. Grinding away that nose. Barely any nose left now. Whole face messed up. Due for a promotion
Apparently the term for migraine-sufferer is ‘migraneur.’ Nice getting recognition as a kind of artisan of suffering
Little kids are like sponges: always damp, little bits of food stuck all over them, faint smell of mildew…
The pizza delivery guys say “see you tomorrow” to everyone, right?
Screw this, I’m going in search of buried treasure. I’m outta here. *stubs toe on coffee table*
Who teaches the chickens to fry a steak?
[Before the post office was invented]
SOME GUY: I need someone to deliver an important document
PIGEON: *simply existing*
SOME GUY: You seem trustworthy
Child: Hey can I go outsi-
Me: YES PLEASE
Don’t believe what others say about you, they know nothing. For example, in 4th grade my teacher said I was going to grow up and be successful and she was wrong on both accounts
If you think your microwave collecting data and the TV spying on you is bad enough…
The vaccum cleaner has been gathering dirt on you for years.
*speed dating bell rings
Me: Why are you breaking up with me?
“I’ve risen from the ashes many times” – Guy who gets drunk and falls into fireplaces.
Yeah breakups are sad but have you ever come home to find out you forgot to turn on your crockpot?
[1st date]
HER: So do you have any hobbies?
SALT SHAKER: Nice dress! It would look great on my floor
HER: What?!
HIM: Just ventriloquism
I wasn’t allowed to watch “A Charlie Brown Christmas” as a kid because of my Peanut allergy.