[quickly jumps into the back of a cab]
ME: How far will this get me? *i hand the driver 14 peanut m&ms with the chocolate sucked off*
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*arriving home as my house burns down*
Firefighter: I’m sorry ma’am. Your boyfriend didn’t make it.
Me: I know. It was built in the 80’s.
Me: When a door closes a window opens.
All dads: Close that damn window! I’m not trying to air condition the whole damn county! And turn off that light while you’re at it.
Just a reminder that Jingle Bells makes it sound like some grand adventure but a one-horse open sleigh is literally the cheapest sleigh you can get.
My fortune cookie just says Hahahaha. Is that good?
Next time a dude says “Pictures or it didn’t happen”, punch them in the throat, take a pic, and tell a story about a guy you throat punched.
Cheerleaders are there to tell you that your team needs to score more points & the name of your team in case you forget at any given moment
My husband says our family will never get a pet but yesterday I walked in on him baby talking the roomba.
I am AWFUL at picking up if a woman is into me.
Even if one said, “I want to do you.” I’d respond, “What do you mean? Like an impression?”
Pro tip:
If you bring her flowers to apologize, don’t bring them in a vase.
She might still be pissed. No sense in arming her.
7-year-old: I don’t want mashed potatoes.
Me: They’re just like French fries.
7: Then give me French fries.
There’s a flaw in her logic, but I can’t find it.
Les Miserables was pretty good but I wish I’d had some kind of warning that everyone in it would be so unhappy.
[talking loudly on my phone trying to distract the security guard during bank robbery] no no. dunston checks in is about the monkey. jaws is about the shark
*grabs walmart intercom*
WHY DID YOU LET ME GRAB THIS INTERCOM? I DON’T EVEN WORK HERE
*fighting noises*
YOU’RE GONNA LOSE YOUR JOB
Me: I’ll call you when I get home so you know I’m safe
Bus driver: I really don’t care
Confusing my grandchildren by filling the Easter eggs with chicken nuggets
wife: “you promised you wouldnt buy anything stupid with our lottery winnings”
me: [covering penguin’s ears] “he can hear you linda”
I get it grandma. I’m not sure what to do on Facebook either.
For lent, I’m going to give up sexual innuendos but it’s hard… so hard!
Pediatrician: How much water does she drink?
Me: You mean like water water or bath water?
[Waking up]
Me to me: I see my assassin failed.
While assembling new desks at my kids’ school this afternoon another dad gave me unsolicited instructions on how to use an allen wrench. I’m not sure if I should be insulted that he thinks I’m an idiot or flattered that he thinks I can afford real furniture.
Flight attendants will honestly open a pack of m&ms and feed the entire plane with it.
Here’s your m
And an m for you
Car’s automatic gearbox shit itself and I was staring down the barrel of a £7.5k repair job, gingerly drove the car home to ‘think it over’ and someone drove right up my arse and wrote it off. I couldn’t stop smiling at the side of the road, the guy thought I was a psychopath.
“Lemme do a quick poop and I’ll be right with you.” – me working the deli counter
Pro tip: Don’t moan when getting a pat down at airport security
Batman – utility belt.
Homer Simpson – futility belt.
I’m starting to suspect that maybe 2020 was not the reason for my problems.
Stop picking up fawns.
You are not a Disney princess.
And even if you are, don’t.
[announcement over PA at work]
“FREE TACOS IN THE BREAKROOM”
*I walk there so fast the noise from my corduroys breaks everyone’s eyeglasses*
“Let’s see what the internet says, shall we?”
-my kids, fact checking me