@mattZillaaaa: I've had about 13 beers so I guess I'll give myself a haircut
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@IamEnidColeslaw: drank a Mike's Hard Lemonade & crashed my dirt bike into a mailbox RT @McDonalds Good morning! How was your weekend?
@NourHadidi: Arguing with your parents is like trying to explain how to download music from iTunes to a plant.
@stephenjmolloy: Mafia boss: "I want him swimming with the fishes!" *later at the coral reef* Me: "This is amazing!" Mafia boss: "Anything for you."
@aligarchy: DR: you have this disease ME: oh no DR: but you can cure it with a healthy diet and exercise ME: OH NO