You do free framing?
“With any purchase”
Ok, just this pencil and [slides a gun with wife’s fingerprints] you know what to do
I’ve had about 13 beers so I guess I’ll give myself a haircut
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TRUMP: Millions of Draculas are entering our country illegally from Transylvania. The security of our nation is a stake!
I pry open the crab shell but instead of sweet crabmeat I find a tiny, bustling city filled with people who have my face. It tastes terrible
My son left a package of cookies at my house then texted me asking me to not let anyone eat them.
So now I’m snapchatting him videos of me eating all his cookies and reminding him of all the times I asked him to do something and he didn’t.
HER: I’m leaving u
ME: is it bc of my irrational paranoia
ME: did the dog put you up to this
Video game dad jokes are the best dad jokes
Wife: We named you after Grandma
Me: Yes that was my idea!
Grandma: They all laugh at me at school
god: the sun shall fuel all life on earth
sun: sounds good
god: and the moon shall make tiny waves and werewolves
moon: hell yes
Me [wearing a sick mask]: ᴳᵒᵒᵈ ᵐᵒʳⁿᶦⁿᵍ!
Neighbor: Oh no! You have the flu?
Me [completely shredded my mouth eating Cap’n Crunch for breakfast]: … ʸᵉᵖ