I’ve had like 6 red bulls, so of course I’m vacuuming the front yard.

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if ur dating a gym rat ur single to me. what’s brad gonna do beat the shit out of me? oh really? oh ok yeah I was kidding lol literally a joke haha im sorry


Some guy called me a siren.
It’s like he doesn’t even care that I do beeping noises & I can purr & moan & do like all the other sounds, too.


My husband bought a steamer because I don’t iron. I wonder how long it’s going to take him to figure out that I don’t steam?


No thanks, $29 hotel. I’d rather be murdered in the comfort of my own home.


To the first designer to make skirts so tight that a slit had to be added to the back: Good job.

Flip flop guy: Go stand in the corner.


safari guide: please keep your arms inside the vehicle

me: [a lion has my arm already] call a doctor


Some of you take selfies from so close up, I’m beginning to wonder if you’re a T-Rex.


*during sex*

Her: Call me names.

Me: *panicking* Lord Farquaad-