@weinerdog4life

I’ve had like 6 red bulls, so of course I’m vacuuming the front yard.

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@goodbeanalt

if ur dating a gym rat ur single to me. what’s brad gonna do beat the shit out of me? oh really? oh ok yeah I was kidding lol literally a joke haha im sorry

@_Ms_Moneypenny_

Some guy called me a siren.
It’s like he doesn’t even care that I do beeping noises & I can purr & moan & do like all the other sounds, too.

@3sunzzz

My husband bought a steamer because I don’t iron. I wonder how long it’s going to take him to figure out that I don’t steam?

@4SLars

No thanks, $29 hotel. I’d rather be murdered in the comfort of my own home.

@Rockenden

To the first designer to make skirts so tight that a slit had to be added to the back: Good job.

Flip flop guy: Go stand in the corner.

@Chumpstring

safari guide: please keep your arms inside the vehicle

me: [a lion has my arm already] call a doctor

@Jesssicle

Some of you take selfies from so close up, I’m beginning to wonder if you’re a T-Rex.

@Chimfxck_

*during sex*

Her: Call me names.

Me: *panicking* Lord Farquaad-