I’ve had my phone battery die at a family function. Nothing scares me now.
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Keep in mind that “The Cat in the Hat” is a lesson to your kids on how to throw a house party when you’re gone…
Oh to be a house cat and simply slap the shit out of anything in front of me that I do not understand
Teacher: you failed your spelling test, all your words are missing a t
Dracula: *pulling out doctor’s note* oh you mean the little cross?
I remember when people just wanted to date someone with personality..but noOoo, now everyone’s gotta have multiple.
“I don’t know why you don’t just leave him, Elaine.”
Buddhist monks often spend decades searching for nirvana but that’s only because they don’t know how to block someone.
ADAM: Let’s take turns naming animals.
EVE: Ok. Lion.
A: Um, sea lion.
E: Horse.
A: Uh, seahorse
E: Cow.
A: Sea cow.
E: Idiot.
A: Sea idiot!
I think that at least twice a week it should be acceptable to fall asleep with your clothes on and change to your pj’s to go to work
This dude is ready for anything you could possibly throw his way. He definitely always understands the assignment.
Always.
I saw a lady at the gym on the exercise bike, wearing a helmet. So I put on a life jacket and got on the treadmill next to her.
Found my door mat
If your conspiracy theory doesn’t involve cats, don’t bother me.
Most embarrassing thing a human being can experience is publicly unrequited love. Second is having the noisy grocery cart.
Dr: How can I help you?
Me: Can you make me look like this?
Dr: Ma’am, that’s a picture of Hello Kitty.
You girls are so cute, talking about crumbs in your bra. I found a missing hiker in mine.
No, you hang up first.
Me to Pizza Hut
If I was a mammoth or a ground sloth I would not have gotten stuck in a tar pit it all. when I see a fossil of some creature that got trapped in one I think wow here’s an example of some dead idiot
Introverts need extroverts to push them out of their comfort zones, and extroverts need introverts to post bail.
I may not be perfect, but at least my cat loves m—oh he’s just hungry nvm
✌️
[Morgue]
Cop: Sir, I know it’s tough but we need you to ID the bodyMe looking at corpse: *takes deep breath* Are—are you over 21?
[me living in a hallmark movie]
oh my gosh, my childhood love is still single? and here? in this small town?
well if we don’t fall in love and get together then the christmas tree farm will foreclose!
WE MUST GET MARRIED TO SAVE CHRISTMAS!
i order my girl scout cookies from several different girl scouts so nobody has a full count of the boxes i’ve eaten i don’t have time for that negativity it’s cookie season goddammit
The red haired guy in the bakery
doesn’t like being called…
‘The Ginger Bread Man’*lesson learned
Pointed out my kids real dad to them at the car wash today. None of us are sure if I’m kidding.
Hey, remember that terrible date who forgot their wallet and then ghosted you?
Well, LinkedIn thinks you should add this person to your network.
I’m trying to envision something more fitting than this election actually ending in a Biden-Trump fist fight and i cannot
If the USA is so great, why did someone make the USB
Mini tater tots cause sometimes a full sized tot is just too much
[being murdered by neighbor]
*I pretend not to see him so I don’t have to make small talk*