I’ve had the same phone for over three years, so I know a thing or two about commitment and frustration.
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“The library computer is down, can you fix it?”
“What’s not working for you?”
“I can’t get to Facebook.”
“Oh, yeah, I think I heard that Facebook is down.”
“So can you fix it?”
“I mean it’s not a library thing, it’s down everywhere.”
“…So are you not gonna fix it?”
Those people that get up and are already home from the gym by 7 a.m. make me believe the movie Men in Black just may be true after all.
Some of you may recall that, before I went into food science, I used to be an amateur inventor. I had several products ready for market including my childcare aids, Plastic Bag O’ Silence and Baby Shock Collar.
Me: I’ll take $2,000, Alex.
Alex Trebek: In which category?
Me: No question. I just need $2,000.
Cop: We’re going to charge you with battery
Terminator: Oh you’re a life saver, I’m on 3%
The only times I go for a jog is when there’s a cute guy in front of me or a creepy guy behind me.
ALIEN: [1st day on Earth wearing my hollowed carcass as a disguise & trying to blend in] COFFEE AMIRITE
If Twitter was a restaurant it would be Five Reply Guys
[scene of wreck]
cop: do you want an ambulance
me: no I’ll probably just buy another car
Learned a lot during my barefoot walk through the forest. Mainly that acorns are the earth’s legos
Comcast: “Would you like to upgrade your Internet service to include cable?”
Me: “No thanks, the illegal downloading has that base covered.”
[during sex]
Him: punish me baby
Me: OK *hides the TV remote*
Him: that’s not what i m—
Me: *puts on a playlist of his favorite band but it’s all their new stuff*
Him: omg please, stop
She complained to me that she found her boyfriend’s picture on a dating sight then got mad at me for asking why she was on the site. I should never answer my phone pre coffee.
Rocky is my favourite movie about beating meat
“Grampa, how did you support gay marriage? Did you march like civil rights ppl?”
“No. Marching’s hard. I tweeted about it.”
I just got an email from twitter saying they miss me
Ya I miss me too
me, alone: [reads a book in my head intelligently]
me, with people: [reads a book out loud like a 5 yo just learning to read]
boy: WOLF!
villager: nope, that’s a coyote
boy: *getting attacked by the coyote* please help me
villager: *already walking away* sorry I don’t hear liars
We can probably reopen restaurants right now if we all use feed bags
Perfect pizza run just now. Every light was green, every merge clear, cop chasing me got in an accident, I couldn’t believe my luck.
fall is almost here time to pull out the flannel condoms
“The only thing we have to fear is fear itself, and being tagged in a super unflattering photo.”
Don’t underestimate me. I’ve got that covered.
Had a breakthrough with my therapist yesterday.
Never seen a man cry like that before.
God: Noah, I’d like to talk to you about the animals you have on the Ark
Noah: what’s wrong?
God: are you sure they aren’t all just dogs wearing different animal costumes
Noah: *with a dog sized elephant humping his leg* hahaha that’s crazy
Cashing in my goldfish today.
Wish me luck!
I remember when you had to subscribe to Reader’s Digest to read jokes this bad.
Pretending to fall asleep on the train so the conductor picks me up and carries me to bed
[Clown College]
Teacher: Ok so balloon animals are pretty simple, you ju-
Pennywise: *raising hand*
Teacher: Any questions that are NOT about eating children?
Pennywise: *sadly putting hand down*
My favorite adult hack is when I carefully and thoughtfully put something very important away so I can’t lose it and then I never find it again