I’ve had to repeat everything I’ve said to Alexa today like we’re married.
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date: so what do you do?
me: *recalling how I deface every mesh window covering I see with Sharpie* I’m a screenwriter
My stalker just threatened to kill herself if I can’t love her back. It’s nice when problems resolve themselves.
Autocannibalism is self-serving.
I always keep my phone on me in case there’s an emergency or I have to wait for anything for more than 2 seconds.
My bank messaged me saying ” Stay healthy, stay safe”.
I replied “you too.”
Ask her if she’s sure she doesn’t want to order a salad… Girls love to be called fat!
[in ambulance after being shot]
can we [coughs blood] stop at Taco Bell?
“Don’t be stupid! [turns around while driving] of course we can”
If there’s a line up for the hand dryer you can always use the persons shirt in front of you
What do I look for in a girl? Well she has to be hot. And well-rounded. And cheesy. Extra guac. Wait, wrong list, this is my Chipotle order.
Me: If Obi-Wan’s clothes remained after Vader killed him, then why wasn’t ghost Obi-Wan naked?
My date: [to waiter] Check, please.
A watch that gives my dentist a little shock every time I floss.
YouTube DIY videos be like “turn this $1 pallet into a beautiful dining table with 14 thousand dollars worth of tools”
My boyfriend is watching Glee voluntarily and tapping his foot and smiling. That makes me a lesbian now, right?
Friend: What’s wrong? Is everything OK?
Me: I don’t want to talk about it.
Also me: [To 20,000 strangers on the internet] you guys ARE NOT going to believe this SHIT
Its 4 am and my foot fell asleep are we doing this one body part at a time now
Me: I need to finish the semester strong
Friend: hey
Me: u right, I should skip class tomorrow
CAR SALESMAN: Check out the reclining seats.
ME: Oh this baby is gonna get some action *winks*
[Cut to me asleep in car on my lunch break]
Them: hello! we’ve been trying to reach you about your extended warranty
Me: cool – first let me tell you about my podcast!
(Line goes dead)
it sucks that a cape on your back makes you fly but a cape on your front just gets you a haircut
Babies get so disrespectful when they don’t want their pacifier
Son: Mom, why are you always showing up at my school on chicken nugget day?
Me: *literally salivating* Here to see you, buddy.
SALT: ahh push it
PEPA: ahh push it
OBGYN: ahh push it{two minutes later} ooh baby baby
Just yelled “F, YOU GUYS!” to my students.
Another perk of being a music teacher…
Guys disappear for days then say “wyd” ….no mf what were YOU doing!!
Can we all agree that “K” is not short for “OK,” it’s short for STFU?
when it’s finally the weekend but you promised your wife you’d deal with the orc infestation in the basement
My walk of shame is in the Halloween candy aisle at Walmart because I already ate what I was supposed to give out to the trick-or-treaters.
My kid not only replaced the toilet paper roll but put it on facing the right way, my parenting book is out this fall.
“We hold these truths to be self-evident, that all men are created equal.” – A man who owned other men.
I shouldn’t repeat idle gossip from the neighbors but I just heard arf arf arf arf arf arf arf arf arf arf arf arf