I’ve had to walk past this monstrosity every day for the last few weeks and it’s really taking a toll.
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I dig, you dig, we dig, he dig, she dig, they dig…. Its not a beautiful poem, but its very deep.
Maybe jesus needs me in his life
All my friends asking me for a #PS5 😂
“Scolding a cat after it does something wrong has been proven ineffective” – cats
Son: why is my sisters name rose?
Dad: because your mother loves roses
Son: what about me?
Dad: it’s a long story, Bush’s Country Style Baked Beans
two things can be true at once. for instance, I love my children more than anything, and I am also constantly counting the hours until bedtime to the goddamn second
Every man was once a man trapped in a woman’s body.
I have watched this 10 times already she is so good!!!
If you meet a baby named “Doris”, it’s not polite to offer her a cigarette.
I can’t wait to eat chips. If I had known Lent was so long I would not have given up chips.
– 11, missing the point of Lent
My smart washer was hacked by the Russians so I couldn’t do laundry today, at least that’s what I’m going to tell her.
Your husband’s super cute, is he single?
Hey boy, are you a pepper? Because you give me indigestion but I still want to get jalapeño business.
I still haven’t used my new mace, this apocalypse is bullshit!
CLERK: That’ll be 95 cents.
ME: Here’s a dollar.
CLERK: Nickel back?
ME: God, no.
Day drinking poolside. There’s literally nothing that could ruin this moment.
“MOMMY WATCH THIS!”
me: well I grew up without a dad and I turned out okay
cw: don’t u collect human teeth??
me: yeah but they’re not my teeth
every time i drink milk i remember my roommate who used to put powdered milk in his milk so he could drink “more milk per milk”
*rushes in*
“Sorry I didn’t see the email”
*slow smile*
*twirls hair*[Teaching office new girl how to be late for meetings]
[homeless guy walks up to me at the park]
“what are you doing inside my house?”
You: hello
Me: Ok here’s why you’re wrong
Me: I wish Inigo Montoya appeared everytime “literally” is misused and did his “You keep saying that word“ bit
Genie: That ones on the house
“How much is that doggy in the window” is a dumb thing to write a song about. Just go ask one of the workers
I don’t know how to act 40, so I’m just doing what I did when I was 20 twice as hard.
Of course women need more pockets, where are we supposed to hold all of our grudges?
I READ EVERY NEGATIVE COMMENT BECAUSE ONLY THE MOST RATIONAL HUMANS TAKE TIME OUT OF THEIR DAY TO TELL A STRANGER WHY THEY SUCK
[1 year 4 months since Totino’s changed their frozen pizza shape from circle to rectangle]
ME: *sigh*
HER: still mad at Totino’s?
M: yeah
why are math teachers so obsessed with proofs ??? bro WE BELIEVE YOU literally no one here is doubting mr pythagorean
[My Dad If He Were A Bartender]
ME: Can I have a beer?
DAD: I don’t know, CAN you?
ME: Ugh, just make me a drink.
DAD: Poof, you’re a drink.
ME: Come on!
DAD: Where are we going?
ME: I’m putting you in a home.
DAD: We’re already in someones home.
keep reaching for the stars, kid: