@AmericanGent69

I’ve hated dentists way before they started killing lions.

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@stevevsninjas

Clark Kent: *sets glasses on kitchen table*
Lois Lane: Is that our table? I don’t recognize it.

@TitansHomer

How many cops does it take to change a lightbulb?

None, they just beat the room for being black.

*drops mic, gets beat by security*

@ThugRaccoons

Wife: WHY are the boys wearing fishnet stockings?

Me: You SAID they needed to learn how to Cher.

@TheAlexNevil

Me: It’s time for your nap.
6: I don’t wanna take a nap!!
M: First off, don’t talk back to me. Second, I was talking to me.

@TheTweetOfGod

Today is National Girlfriend’s Day. But it will never be National Marriage Day. The calendar’s just not ready for that kind of commitment.

@ryanyeetz

i’ve seen enough demonic possession movies to know that as soon as you see your kid just standing at the foot of your bed, you kill it. don’t be a hero

@sbellelauren

god bless the 1st weatherman to dress as danny zuko & plead with sandy

@mattZillaaaa

I just want to live in a world where stupid people don’t knock on a locked bathroom door shouting, “anyone in there?!”