Clark Kent: *sets glasses on kitchen table*
Lois Lane: Is that our table? I don’t recognize it.
I’ve hated dentists way before they started killing lions.
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How many cops does it take to change a lightbulb?
None, they just beat the room for being black.
*drops mic, gets beat by security*
Wife: WHY are the boys wearing fishnet stockings?
Me: You SAID they needed to learn how to Cher.
im all 3
Me: It’s time for your nap.
6: I don’t wanna take a nap!!
M: First off, don’t talk back to me. Second, I was talking to me.
Blizzard after 3 years of Overwatch lore development
Today is National Girlfriend’s Day. But it will never be National Marriage Day. The calendar’s just not ready for that kind of commitment.
i’ve seen enough demonic possession movies to know that as soon as you see your kid just standing at the foot of your bed, you kill it. don’t be a hero
god bless the 1st weatherman to dress as danny zuko & plead with sandy
I just want to live in a world where stupid people don’t knock on a locked bathroom door shouting, “anyone in there?!”