I’ve heard that there are people that can keep every room of their house clean at the same time
At my house the rooms have to take turns being clean, kind of like the kids
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“Hot, lo-cal singles in your area!”
– Diet ads for Cannibals
[first day as a riot cop]
chief: disperse the crowd
me:
T HC R E
O D
W
“Daddy, I want to watch Dora.” Sweetie this is Dora. It’s the one where she plays an NBA basketball game against the Brooklyn Nets
Neat! according to this Walgreens blood pressure monitor, i should have died in 1998
after a certain point in life the “walk of shame” is about a plunger
🖤✌🏽
Why do people say tunafish, rather than just tuna?
Is that to differentiate from the tunacow and tunagiraffe?
*Sitting at Gate*
Airport Wifi- All settled in? Feeling productive?
Me- Yep, why?
Airport Wifi- Cool, let me just drop ou…
*closes laptop*
[a giant killer salmon is attacking the city]
cop: [throws smoke bomb]
me: “all you’ve done is make him extra delicious you idiot”
These childbearing hips have yet to turn one single child into a bear and frankly, I’m disappointed.
*Viewing apartments
Estate agent: I know it’s not particularly big but…
Me: Not big?! The only way I’m living here is if it comes with a letter from Hogwarts
Me: I’m pregnant
Him: OH NO
Me: with emotion
Him: oh, whew
Me: because there’s a baby inside me
How come I can get free wifi with a $3 cup of coffee but I can’t get it with a $150 hotel room?
*the doctor looks up at me after reviewing my blood test for several minutes*
are you sure you’re not a donut?
Batman had the bat signal.
If you need to get my attention, hold a Roast Beef Sandwich over a floor lamp and aim it at my apartment.
My wife calls it “silent treatment”. I call it “attractive disagreement period”.
Paula Hawkins: What should I call my book about a girl on a train?
Publicist: Let’s call the guy who named the movie ‘Snakes On A Plane’.
“Everybody loves us weird girls, right up until we start doing weird girl shit,” I say to my cat, as we watch a documentary about serial killers in our matching onesies.
My husband is a dentist now! At least he acts like one asking me questions while I’m very obviously brushing my teeth.
I phonebanked for @BernieSanders tonight and my skin is now clear, my gpa is rising, and my crops are flourishing
A city girl was bequeathed an inn, but it’s all run down and doesn’t have any water and the only person in town for the holidays is the ruggedly handsome guy who just lost his wife
Oh, lord. I brought my mouth with me to work today and it’s all sass. Prayers, please.
Me: Open your mouth, and close your eyes, and get ready for a big surprise.
5yo: Yum! A chocolate chip!
Me: Haha you just ate poison.
5yo: Quick. Give me the antelope!
[me as a snake handler]
Hi, I’m here to put handles on all your snakes.
Her: You’re perfect as you are, don’t ever change a thing.
[later]
Her: Er, that didn’t include your underwear…
When do kids stop eating things they find on the floor? According to my husband it’s not 38.
God’s son died single, but he’ll help you find your match on Christian Mingle.
How to kiss:
1-open your mouth
2-wider
3-wider
4-unhinge jaw
5-summon the Dark Overlord
My kid went on her first shopping trip with friends and her own money but didn’t even buy the sticker she wanted because “you wouldn’t believe how much things cost” so looks like 11 is when sticker shock first gets you.
Is your meth contaminated with coronavirus? This Florida police dept. will test it for free