@squirrel74wkgn

I’ve heard the jokes and the laughter as people drove past my house in July, but who’s laughing NOW?

*plugs in Xmas lights*

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@lilooet

When a child loses a tooth, some parents put a dollar under their pillow. Other parents leave a book called, “Your Disintegrating Body.”

@IamEnidColeslaw

are you a female guitar player with a breathy, annoying voice? congratulations Starbucks will play your music, no questions asked

@PleaseBeGneiss

Medium: if you’re there, move the glass to say something

Ouija board: s o m e t-

Wife: that’s him

@caseytduncan

If I’ve learned any thing from dogs and cats, it’s that you can rub your head on people when you want attention.

@mrjohndarby

her: the car isnt working. you need to do something about it
me: sure *to car* GET A JOB YOU LAZY CAR
her: i meant a mechanic
me: i really dont care what job

@TheDanielleRock

There are two kinds of people in this world, people that know things and people who don’t know how to use Google.

@wildethingy

When my wife told me to stop pretending to be a flamingo, I just had to put my foot down.

@ihoplollipop

I hate when I’m cleaning my house and accidentally watch three seasons of a show.

@stephenjmolloy

HR: “You’ve put Kurt Russell down as an emergency contact.”

Me: “Yeah, I’d like to meet him before I die. Dude is a legend.”