When a child loses a tooth, some parents put a dollar under their pillow. Other parents leave a book called, “Your Disintegrating Body.”
I’ve heard the jokes and the laughter as people drove past my house in July, but who’s laughing NOW?
*plugs in Xmas lights*
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are you a female guitar player with a breathy, annoying voice? congratulations Starbucks will play your music, no questions asked
Medium: if you’re there, move the glass to say something
Ouija board: s o m e t-
Wife: that’s him
If I’ve learned any thing from dogs and cats, it’s that you can rub your head on people when you want attention.
her: the car isnt working. you need to do something about it
me: sure *to car* GET A JOB YOU LAZY CAR
her: i meant a mechanic
me: i really dont care what job
There are two kinds of people in this world, people that know things and people who don’t know how to use Google.
If spiders ever figure out how to become ghosts, we’re screwed.
When my wife told me to stop pretending to be a flamingo, I just had to put my foot down.
I hate when I’m cleaning my house and accidentally watch three seasons of a show.
HR: “You’ve put Kurt Russell down as an emergency contact.”
Me: “Yeah, I’d like to meet him before I die. Dude is a legend.”