“I’ve invented the toaster”
SADISTIC CEO: What number toasts it perfectly?
“2”
SC: ok make it *cries with laughter* make it go up to 8
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I miss the days when Twitter fights were about whether to pour the milk first or the cereal.
Met virtually with my therapist the other day & my cat’s head suddenly popped in the screen. Therapist stopped talking, pointed and whispered “CAT”.
When you’re in a meeting and you see a cat you have to say ‘cat’ just like you have to say ‘cows’ when you see cows while driving.
I just opened an email from the vet wishing my dog a happy birthday.
I replied asking them to call her because she can’t read.
I see you posted a photograph of snow with the caption “it’s cold” could you tell me more about that
Optional boss fight.
me: *holding my black eye* honey I’m home
wife: what happened to you?
me: I met a celebrity this morning
wife: and….
[earlier at the car wash]
optimus prime: are you watching me shower!?
Pearly whites? I assume you mean my legs.
I am a smart, funny, capable woman… who just tried to zoom in on a photo in a magazine by double tapping the page.
science teacher: scorpions have 10 to 12 eyes
kid (taking notes) s-c-o-r-p-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-I-o-n which is it? 10 or 12?
Annual reminder that Valentine’s Day was a scam invented by Goodyear to sell all the heart-shaped tires their factory made by mistake
“Microdosing is for the weak” I whisper as I backflip onto a centaur and skip off over the rainbow
Flex on houseplants by drinking water whenever you want
I bought a stationary bike last year and, boy oh boy, has it lived up to its name.
what if your teeth were naturally flaccid and got hard when you got hungry
You know she’s a keeper when after your aircraft crashes in the frigid Andes Mountains you catch one another eyeing the surviving passengers like a menu.
[At the coroners’ to identify a body]
Me: “Yep. That’s a body all right.”
*pandemic ends*
Mother Nature: HOW ARE THEY STILL ALIVE??!!!
Juliet: you know it’s true love, when you finish each other’s-
Romeo: LIFE
Juliet: [sighs all annoyed] like why do you say shit like that?
I’m a cat person. I sleep all day and spend the rest of the time trying to convince my wife I haven’t eaten yet.
“What are you doing here?”
I just got fired from the circus
“Oh my”
Yeah, the calibration on my cannon was way off. I landed in your pond
Puts all the toys my kids forgot they had in their Easter basket
Mayonnaise has been getting a lot of hate, but if you don’t shake up a squeeze bottle of mustard well enough, it will pee on your sandwich.
I told the kids they’ve stressed me out so much I burst a vessel in my eye, so they brought me a plate of cheese.
I was hoping for a clean kitchen but I am disarmingly soothed.
My 5yo “cleaned” the house today… she started in the bathroom, with the toilet, and then proceeded to wipe down every inch of the house, including doorknobs, with the same towel.
If that’s not the best analogy for quarantine with kids, I don’t know what is.
awkardly looking around the applebees bar & grill for my tidner date whose profile picture is waluigi
I’m really disappointed in Shaq for not having his own tequila called Shaquila.
I miss being a baby and having milestones. No one cares if you’re an adult and can lift your head or roll over on a blanket.
My sons kidnappers: if u ever want to see your son alive, press 1. Para Español marque dos
Me: ugh i just want to speak to a real person
My kid said that bagels are just sad donuts, so obviously he’s broken and I have to return him.
“Miss me yet?” – 2019