Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: I just want to be the center of someone’s universe

*has kids*

Also me: Not like that

mary: my water broke

joseph: why do I smell grapes

Are you actually cleaning the house if you haven’t shouted at everyone in it?

Dinner conversation:
10YO: What 6 things would you want on a deserted island?
Me: 1) You–
10YO: Seriously? Why would you drag me into that?

Always remember, no matter how bad things get, there’s an animal in the world that would love to be sitting curled up in your lap. Maybe it’s a dog. Maybe it’s a cat. Maybe it’s that weird person from Tinder, but nevertheless…

“You don’t load the dishwasher right,” I said to my wife just before it permanently became my job.

It’s not condescending if they’re stupid.

date: I won’t be able to see you for a while. I need to focus on watching the World Cup.

me: *flops to the ground clutching my shin*

If you marry someone a few years older, one thing they love is when any classic rock song comes on and you ask “Is this Led Zeppelin?”

I made popcorn.

Teen smelled popcorn.

I no longer have popcorn.

If your kid texts you questions about the price of replacing any household item, you will be replacing said item.

people that brag about not eating processed foods like, okay??? what are you eating when you’re depressed? a carrot? we’re all dying, grow up and eat a hot dog from the street like the rest of us, pathetic

“This undercooked pasta is an absolute car crash”

What do you mean?

“It’s all denty”

Today’s life lesson: “I’ve learned that pleasing everyone is impossible, but pissing them off is a piece of cake.”

I learned a few things in Twitter Jail last night.

1. My wife’s name

2. How to make a shank from a phone charger

3. I need Twitter

Officer: You were speeding.
Me: I am trying to keep up with traffic.
O: There Is no traffic.
M: I am really far behind.

Bruce Willis: There are four elements, right?
Producer: Go on…
Bruce: What if there was a FIFTH element
Producer: Love it
Bruce: Ok, you know there are five senses…
[Half an hour later]
Producer: Please, I have a family
Bruce: So what if there were TWELVE monkeys?

I want to be the person in every McDonald’s whose job is to sit on the sandwiches just before they go into the bag.

Her résumé lists “attention to detale” under strengths.

Jim is short for Jimberly. The short form for James is obviously Jam

A bodybuilding and pastry shop business called John Cena-bon

Looking for investors

Me: *Holding a door and hiding behind it*

Murderer: *walks through the door*

Me *passive aggressive*: YOU’RE WELCOME

[When your mom calls you by your full name]

Mom: Scoobert Doobert!

Scooby: Ruh roh

Me: I can’t get this star on top of the Christmas tree without a ladder, without dumping it over & ruining it.

Whiskey: Yes you can.

If you took your large intestine and stretched it out in a straight line it would be very hard to get it back in you after that. So tangly.

Me: Hello, can you force an update on my computer that will affect most of my vital programs in a negative way?

Microsoft: Actually, we were just about to push an update to do that.

Me: Can you also offer no help to fix the issues?

Microsoft: Have we ever not let you down?

My mother had eight kids and she’d buy a box of six Pop Tarts. Don’t tell me about your childhood problems.

Cashier: Will that be all?
Me: No, I have a bunch more stuff to get, I just wanted to show you what I’ve got so far.

I was confused when my wife asked me what I spent $108 on at the liquor store. I answered “liquor?”

All is not a trick question. Apparently

my immune system told me it’s a lover not a fighter