assessor: sexual orientation?
me: as in if i were to have sex which way would i be facing?
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ME: I’m much better thinking outside the box
PRISON GUARD: Still no
a black mirror episode where u text someone and they screenshot it for 27.9m ppl
*lowers head
*breaks thru 5 tackles
*hurdles lineman
*runs 100 yards
*hamstrung at goal line
*dragged back to line of scrimmage-my wedding
Cheap 1st Date Ideas: Get some matching Red Polo shirts & hang out in a Target. Give terrible info to inquisitive costumers.
Conan: The US is on pace 2 b the world’s largest producer of oil. So if history has taught us anything, the US will soon be invading the US.
My cute neighbor saw me running and so I had to keep running until she couldn’t see me any more. Call an ambulance
[China]
“You have to get good grades”
KID: But it’s so hard!
“We’re Can-tonese not Cant-tonese”
KID: You gotta admit that’s a bit confusing
Lawyer: And your opinion?
Cat: No question-a dog pushed the fish bowl over & ate the goldfish
Dog Defendant: Are you KIDDING me with this?!’
Boss: Are you going to do any work today?
Me: Has it been optional this whole time?
*Negative people trying to ruin my mood
*Me
When there’s a police car behind you with their lights flashing…
It means speed up, right?
Saw a friend I haven’t seen in over 20 years tonight. She asked if I had any pics of my kids. You don’t realize how many pics of Harry Styles, Louis Tomlinson & dogs you have until someone is hovering over you. The scrolling I had to do to get to pics of my real children. 🤦🏼♀️
She tells me to live in the present then gets upset when I don’t remember our anniversary, pick a lane.
Me: has anyone ever told you how much we appreciate you around here
Coworker: (blushing) um, no
Me: did you ever wonder why that is
Protip: If friends ask you to watch their kids for them, answer with “sure, it’ll make a change from having to use binoculars” so they never ask again*.
*Even better tip: Don’t actually do that, though
my mom: [wrapping my pills in cheese]
me: no, mom, use the GRUYERE I’m an ADULT
Im at the swamp does anyone need anything
British parking sign:
———————————
Parking Mon-Fri
Saturday (except Sunday)
No return within 1 hour
2 hour max (bank holiday)
Not valid Fri-Mon
(Excludes Weekdays)
1 hour only
———————————
me: how was your camping trip
5 y/o: good
me: what’d you guys do
5 y/o: camped
Guys be throwin bobcats across their lawn and I’m over here trying to get my Capri Sun open
[the year 2057]
iPhone 49: *reaches for some of my fries*
Me: No. if you wanted fries you should have ordered some
ME: *holding my crying newborn son* There. There. I ALSO find myself very upsetting.
I get so excited when Facebook tells me there are hot singles in my city who want to meet me. Maybe they want to babysit!
People who think being an aunt is some kind of “easy,” fun, responsibility-free way to spend time with kids REALLY do not understand how hard it is to open a child-locked drawer
My wife complains that she has a big ass, I just wish she would stop pointing at me when she says it.
I enjoy quaint, old-fashioned customs like being nice to people.
My debit card number got stolen and someone used it to buy $362 of liquor, which got approved, but the purchase they tried to make for designer clothes was denied and I’m offended. Sure I buy my clothes at Costco but that doesn’t mean I never will buy designer clothes!
I realized if I whisper at Alexa, she whispers back
I wish it worked on everyone
I really wish they had told me this before I got to the morgue
Ain’t no mountain high enough? Have you seen them?