I’ve just completed a cohort study that confirms people can go longer without sex if they have an adequate supply of chocolate and peanut butter
I call it my Reese’s Thesis
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Welcome to your 50s. You’re pretty laid back about everything now –
except when the GODDAMN SQUIRRELS get in your bird feeders with the expensive food with peanuts, pecans, and chunks of suet–I THOUGHT THESE WERE SQUIRRELPROOF FEEDERS!!!!
*Spends 30 min practicing Starbucks order in mirror*
*Feels confident*
*”Hi I’d like a grander ahoy Ralph Macchioatto lateenbay”*
*dammit*
*bangs toe*
*never calls toe again*
Me: that’s BS
6: boring stuff?
Me, knowing I’ll probably regret it, but it will be funny: …yes
Grimace: *commits crimes against the United States*
Law Enforcement: “We believe we’ve identified the purpletraitor”.
Kids, make sure you learn how to use a protractor in case one day you’re a teacher & have to show kids how to use a protractor.
I heard a landline ring the other day and I legit thought it was a fire alarm
im always more attracted to women wearing glasses, like deep down i know naturally poor eyesight provides my best chances
‘Ugh you never let me get ANYTHING!’
-my 5 year old holding a balloon, cotton candy, and two packs of sparklers.
I turned my phone onto “Airplane Mode” and threw it into the air. Worst. Transformer. Ever.
3 drinks in and that skateboard outside is looking rideable.
My whole life feels like that feeling you get when you take a multiple choice test and the answer you got isn’t one of the choices listed
“Speed” remake with Scarlett Johansson as the bus
[Back To the Future, 2018]
Marty’s dad: She texted me back! What do I say??
Marty: I got it. Lemme see…*sends SpongeBob gif and immediatly starts disappearing*
[my funeral]
PRIEST: dearly beloved…
*respectful silence from guests*
PRIEST: …and steve
ME FROM INSIDE COFFIN: lmao get roasted steve
Nurse: Where does it hurt?
Me: *Points to heart*
Nurse: Awwww that is so cute!
Me. *COLLAPSES FROM HEART ATTACK*
“What are we doing here, Marcy?”
“Seeing how I’d look with bangs.”
The judge dismissing my Monopoly get out of jail free card is why I have trust issues
Black rotten roses & run over kittens
Teeth falling out & a test is unwritten
Naked in public becoming a meme
Theseareafewofmyterribledreams
“FINISH HIM,” I scream, as Nana takes the last bite of her gingerbread man.
Make fun of my long hair and I’ll ride past your girlfriend’s bedroom window on a stallion.
If you’ve ever wanted to take a tiny bag of poop on a tour of your neighbourhood, owning a dog might be right for you
the divorce rate among my socks is astonishing
if coconuts give us coconut milk AND coconut water then why do we only have cow milk. where is the cow water
If breaking a mirror brings 7 years of bad luck, does breaking a lightbulb bring 7 years of bad ideas?
Trying this hot water diet where you drink a cup of hot water in the morning but so far all I’ve done is burn my tongue and eat 7 donuts.
america, 1969: let’s put a man on the moon
teletubbies, 1997: we’re gonna put a baby in the sun
3: *looking up at the lights* what’s that mummy?
me: they’re lights
3: no I mean the spirits in front of them
me:
me:
me:
3: what’s for dinner
*at reading of my will*
Executor: *opens envelope*
‘Ahem…’You selfish, bloodsucking little pricks…’’
I’m offering a $1,000 reward to anyone who brings me $1,000 and two tacos.