I’ve just found a mole on my shoulder.
I don’t know how he got out of the garden but he’s cute.
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I cannot imagine marrying my high school sweetheart, sorry but I’m not growing old with someone who knows what my eyebrows looked like in the early 2000s
My local spa has an oxygen room, which begs the question: what the heck is in all the other rooms?
mario: I hate you
wario: and I hate you
mario:
wario:
mario: do you wanna play tennis
wario: lmao hell yeah
I’ve been called a “female comic” so many times, I’ll probably only be able to answer to “girl daddy” when I have children.
2020: the pandemic is coming you gotta stay inside
ME: oh no
2021: the pandemic is ending you gotta go outside
ME: OH NO
ME AS A MARRIAGE COUNSELOR:
I signed you both up for Tinder*1 week later
ME: You still want a divorce?
THEM: OMG NO THAT WAS HORRIFYING
[job interview]
“So where do you see yourself in 5 years?”
Getting asked this question somewhere else
“I can’t believe you chose me, surely you could do better! No one ever pays me any attention.” – Most likely the most attractive character in the game
“If you gaze long into a bisque, the bisque also gazes into you.” – Philosophical soup kitchen chef
El Chapo is a murderous Mexican drug lord. El Chapo Supreme is a murderous Mexican drug lord with sour cream, lettuce and tomato.
I’m ready for a new relationship.
My past is buried in the backyard, to fertilize the tomatoes.
It should be a rule that if you’re going to put you kid on a leash, you can’t be mad if someone walks up, asks if they bite, and pets them
*Paul Walker shouts down from the gates of heaven*
“YO DID I GET A MILLION LIKES ON FACEBOOK? THEY WON’T LET ME IN WITHOUT A MILLION LIKES”
💁🏻♂️
“I got you, babe.”
– kidnappers
For a while after my wife left me I found it really difficult to listen to any of ‘our’ songs. She’d taken the entire CD collection with her.
My first wife and I split on good terms. I know this because, when I announce the split on FB, she was the first to click LIKE.
Phone
Me: OWWW *sudden commotion*
Person: What?! What’s HAPPENING?
Me: A spider bit me
P: What kind?
Me: The dead now kind.
Launched an important petition today. This is a cause that’s very dear to my heart
I’d date me.
But mainly because I put out.
The trick to successfully backing out of a parking space is to not care what happens to you or anyone else.
why you guys always think you were some cool person in your past life and not a fly that lived for like 24 hours, settle down
Me: Hey, remember that actor from the 90s? It’s been forever since I’ve seen them in a movie. I bet they’re super old now.
Google: This actor is three years younger than you.
Me: …Oh. 💀
15 just texted me that she was on her period and needed a chocolate bar.
How absorbent could a chocolate bar even be?!
WHY DO WE ALLOW OTHER COUNTRIES TO TAG THEIR NAME ON TO SOMETHING AND SELL US LIES WHEN THEY DO IT WRONG? CANADIAN BACON? ENGLISH MUFFINS?
I just found out that blackbirds aren’t afraid of squirrels and now I’m afraid of blackbirds.
“The only thing we have to fear is fear itself. And spiders. And enclosed spaces. And snakes. And heights. And diseases. And sharks. And that goddamn clown from “IT.” – My presidential inauguration speech
Stop trying to make me exfoliate. Maybe I like having 17 layers of crusty old skin on my face.
kids: the floor is lava
teens: the floor is laundry