I’ve just realised that I’ve got one of those cool body types that can eat whatever I want and get fat.

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I wanna rock and roll for 20 minutes tops and party for as long as it takes to seem normal before leaving without saying goodbye to anyone


Trying to decide who to leave my middle fingers to when I die.


wife: What would you do if 9 told you he was gay?
me [looking for the remote] Ask him if he’s seen the remote


My husband brought home one happy meal for two kids.
Frankly things would have been less dramatic if he’d brought home a girlfriend.


BOSS: You’re late again today

ME {still using the Mayan calendar}: We’re lucky to even be here you know


Fun Fact: The one thing that married couples always agree on is that most fights are started by their spouse.


Beauty is in the eye of the beholder. Unless that beholder is your mom cause we all know that doesn’t count.


When people fall with their iPhone 6 in pocket and hear a crack sound:
“Please let it be my leg, Lord.”