@ClearlyUnwell

I’ve just realised that I’ve got one of those cool body types that can eat whatever I want and get fat.

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@papasuncle

I wanna rock and roll for 20 minutes tops and party for as long as it takes to seem normal before leaving without saying goodbye to anyone

@Underchilde

Trying to decide who to leave my middle fingers to when I die.

@iwearaonesie

wife: What would you do if 9 told you he was gay?
me [looking for the remote] Ask him if he’s seen the remote

@FullMetalMommy

My husband brought home one happy meal for two kids.
Frankly things would have been less dramatic if he’d brought home a girlfriend.

@TheToddWilliams

BOSS: You’re late again today

ME {still using the Mayan calendar}: We’re lucky to even be here you know

@TheBoydP

Fun Fact: The one thing that married couples always agree on is that most fights are started by their spouse.

@iGreenMonk

Beauty is in the eye of the beholder. Unless that beholder is your mom cause we all know that doesn’t count.

@basit_saeed

When people fall with their iPhone 6 in pocket and hear a crack sound:
“Please let it be my leg, Lord.”