I’ve just seen a girl post a selfie with her dead grandma on facebook and thousands have commented “rip”. Stop the internet, I wanna get off
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only 11 steps left
Ran into my ex on the street. He’s got a hot wife & 2 kids. I have a taco in my hand. And one in my purse. And an emergency taco in my coat.
It’s fine when Santa does it, but when I see you when you’re sleeping & know when you’re awake it’s “creepy” and “sir, you’re under arrest”
Him: Mmm, tell me what you like, baby
Me: I like turtles
[expensive restaurant date]
me: waiter, the William please
I’m currently trying not to let wearing my new Grinch onesie become my entire personality. It is surprisingly difficult.
I started to clean house this evening, but my cat talked me into taking a nap.
“How is this grilling you?” – mom’s 44th question
If there’s a line up for the hand dryer you can always use the persons shirt in front of you
no..
one…cleans like Gaston
quarantines like Gaston
no one stops spreading COVID-19 like Gaston
I put construction worker experience on my resume because I’ve done build a bear several times.
They’re going to start pairing TV shows w/medications. “If you’re taking this, this and this… watch this!”
Better to have loved & lost than to have never loved at all; but if going spelunking was your idea, you should at least *try* to find her.
broke: live-action auditions where you have to do shit like “memorize sides” and “look like an actual person”
woke: voiceover auditions where you get to do shit like “never have to leave your home” and “record in the nude”
HER: Wow you look great.
ME: Thanks. I use both my eyes.
Before the “accident” they were Duran Duran Duran
[on plane]
Me: It’s ok, more ppl are killed by hippos than by plane crashes
Pilot: This is your captain speaking, I’m a hippo btw
Me: Nooooo
This train was so long I had time to file my nails and my taxes.
The average person swallows 8 spiders in their sleep but it’s actually one guy who’s chowing down like 7500 a night to make the numbers work
Pro tip: don’t bother feeding your kids before heading to the grandparent’s house. Either way they will be starving as soon as they walk in.
[Friend] Kyle, u have to stop referring to your Ballet Club as a “gang”
[Me & my gang all do 2 pirouettes and stop in unison] “Not a chance”
I bet when Hello Kitty finally grows up she’ll be called Hey Pussy.
Hotel California is basically a negative Yelp review with a two minute guitar solo.
Worth remembering.
After a heated discussion with Marie Kondo i’ve decided to throw myself in the trash.
Officer: do you know why I pulled you over
Me: the warrant probably
Officer: you have a broken… what
Me: what
Why do paintings of Adam and Eve show them with belly buttons?
so imagine going to the store.. buying rolls of plastic.. tape.. etc.. and after the cashier is done.. “anything else?” and say “oh sorry.. forgot this” and pull out dexter.. the complete series out of the cart…. when they ask how you’re paying “uhhh we’re going with cash”
“midlife crisis” buddy i’m having a whole life crisis