@bea_ker

I’ve just seen my doctor quickly close the Wikipedia page for ‘bones’

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@Ygrene

Here are 5 things you should know about me:

1. I’m very secretive

@OctopusCaveman

I have this awesome app that shows me what I would look like as a fat person. It’s called Camera.

@KalvinMacleod

[pearly gates]
ANGEL: bad jokes are not allowed in heaven
ME: ok
ANGEL: that means absolutely no puns
ME: abSOULutely
*clouds turn to fire*

@SardonicTart

[Job Interview]

How would you describe your time management skills?

Me: Can we talk about this later? I’m late for an appointment.

@Pork_Chop_Hair

[texting]

Him: What’re you doing

Me: Watching a chicken strip

H: Why don’t you just eat it

M: BECAUSE SHE’S BUSY DANCING, TODD

@thesulk

Of course this is the year I bring my famous Romaine pie to my in-laws.