I’ve just seen my doctor quickly close the Wikipedia page for ‘bones’
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Ikea said if they catch me stealing any more kitchen utensils I’ll be banned for life. But I’m willing to take the whisk.
He had the strength of ten men and the confidence of twelve morons.
[picking out a washing machine]
how many watermelons can this hold?
“uhh I dunno, 11?”
only 11?
*keeps walking to next one*
how many waterme
I love ordering from Panera because it’s always a surprise. Am I going to get the spinach-egg white-avocado sandwich I ordered, or perhaps a steak and egg bagel? Maybe a lovely tomato soup for breakfast? It’s like a don’t-pick-your-own adventure!
Just killed a spider IN MY BED!! So if you need me, I’ll be burning down my home and looking for a new place to live.
I drank a beer and then clipped my kid’s bangs, so tomorrow morning should be interesting
what do you want to eat?
what are you in the mood for?
me when I get my period: why am I eating & crying so much? is my depression worsening? What if im dying??? Omg im dying this is how I die. I die soon.
me later that night: dude ur not dying this is literally what ur period is. every single time.
*next period*
why am I eating & cr
[running into my ex while shopping]
Me, under my breath: smooth peanut butter, smh. dodged a bullet there.
Her, to the dolls riding in my cart: hello Cynthia. Anne.
I’m haunted by my grandmother saying “apple pie without cheese is like a kiss without copping a feel”
Good thing Brazil won…otherwise I’m pretty sure they would’ve just cancelled the rest of the World Cup.
I just won $8 on a scratch ticket. Lock up your girlfriends, I got that double cheeseburger money
Has someone told the whales that they can’t sing for shit?
wife: What would you do if 9 told you he was gay?
me [looking for the remote] Ask him if he’s seen the remote
Me: I could survive in the wild.
Wife: It took you 9 minutes to open a bag of chips.
Hopefully wild game isn’t wrapped in plastic.
Here, take my hand. Now slap yourself with it.
If they could bottle how good it feels to take off your bra, that would sell for more than any expensive wine.
[ walking down the soap and detergent isle at the store ]
14: it smells like chores in here
A fun prank is to search “buy antique dolls” on someone’s computer because then all their Facebook targeted ads are creepy dolls forever
The best thing about owning a Smart Car is when it gets dirty, you can just put it in the dishwasher.
I didn’t come here to be called names
I want to buy a haunted house, not so haunted where I can’t live in it but enough so my kids don’t get out of bed in the middle of the night.
Airport moving sidewalks are great for when you only want to feel like George Jetson for 10 seconds before you’re back to Fred Flintstone.
If someone’s embarrassed just tell them an astronaut did the same thing. For example, “It’s ok, Buzz Aldren once shit himself in an Arby’s”
Found a USB that can be plugged both ways. Now I miss going wrong.
[lights 2019 calendar on fire]
Now you can’t hurt anyone any more.
[wind blows calendar onto my coat; I’m engulfed in flames]
me: [listening to The Twelve Days of Christmas] “no person wants this many birds”
I’ve waited and prepared my whole life for an end of the world scenario
[gets killed and eaten in the first 10 minutes]
[watching christmas movie]
Me: who’s your favorite character?
Daughter: I like the grinch.
Me: but he’s the bad guy.
Daughter: maybe he stole Christmas only cause they wrote that really mean song about him first.
Me:
Daughter: maybe whoville had it coming.
netflix: do you want a more interactive viewing experience?
me: no i want to look at my phone with background noise
netflix: here’s choose-your-own-adventures
me: absolutely not
netflix: DECIDE IN 3 SECONDS
me: this is my worst nightmare