Sometimes after a long hard day at work, it takes me 4 bars to get home
I’ve kept my tamagotchi alive for the past 15 years, so yeah Mom, I know what it’s like to raise an “ungrateful little prick”
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I keep getting bills from the Memory Erasing Clinic but I’ve never been there
“Siri, what are the side effects of Valium?” I mumbled into the tv remote.
her: Tell me a little bit about yourself
me: okay so you know when beetles open up their wings and they have those other, even creepier wings underneath?
OH MY GOD THE INSPIRATIONAL TWEETS ARE COMING FROM INSIDE THE HOUSE
Her: What do you do for a living
Me: I’m a truck driver
Me: A food truck driver
Her: here’s my number
The scariest room in a haunted house would be filled with people you haven’t seen since high school asking what you’ve been up to these days
Hey Doorknob, if I wanted something in my life that was hairy, condescending and using me for food, I would get a cat.
When you and your ex had plans to get married and now you both have each other blocked on everything
hey parents who say “someday your kids won’t want to be around you”
… when can I look forward to that starting?