@caribbeankris

I’ve kept my tamagotchi alive for the past 15 years, so yeah Mom, I know what it’s like to raise an “ungrateful little prick”

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@blaha_Who

Sometimes after a long hard day at work, it takes me 4 bars to get home

@CakeThrottle

I keep getting bills from the Memory Erasing Clinic but I’ve never been there

@markydoodoo

“Siri, what are the side effects of Valium?” I mumbled into the tv remote.

@iamspacegirl

[first date]

her: Tell me a little bit about yourself

me: okay so you know when beetles open up their wings and they have those other, even creepier wings underneath?

her: umm

@dugglebutt

*speed dating*

Her: What do you do for a living

Me: I’m a truck driver

Her: …oh…

Me: A food truck driver

Her: here’s my number

@Donnie_Fairburn

The scariest room in a haunted house would be filled with people you haven’t seen since high school asking what you’ve been up to these days

@lecalabara

Hey Doorknob, if I wanted something in my life that was hairy, condescending and using me for food, I would get a cat.

@RidiculousDak

When you and your ex had plans to get married and now you both have each other blocked on everything

@robin_991

hey parents who say “someday your kids won’t want to be around you”

… when can I look forward to that starting?