*feels the wind in my toe hair
I’ve kept my tamagotchi alive for the past 15 years, so yeah Mom, I know what it’s like to raise an “ungrateful little prick”
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“I’ll never understand why people can’t sleep with a closet door open” I say while making sure my feet don’t hang over the side of the bed.
I’ve eaten jellyfish, pidgeon, and pig ear. I even sucked marrow thru a straw directly from a bone. But you won’t catch me dead with mayo on my burger because I’m not gross
I forgot my phone so I asked this guy what time it was. He said “time to get a watch” & laughed. So I kicked him in the balls. It was 6:30.
[feather on the ground]
4-year-old: It’s a pterodactyl feather!
Me: Pterodactyls don’t have feathers.
4: I know. They fell off.
Just came to the realization that my ten year high school reunion will be in 10 months. I have about nine days to get married and pregnant.
Instead of “Here Comes the Bride,” they should play the Jaws theme song at weddings.
BlackBerry’s are great phones to have if you’re time traveling to 2005 and don’t want people to know you’re from the future.
BOSS: This is my second wife.
ME: Concurrent or consecutive?
I’m actually kind of handsome when you’re drunk and the light is low and there’s no other dudes around and you have low standards.