I’ve known my drug dealer since I was this high.
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“let the meat rest for 5 minutes after cooking” wtf it doesn’t need a rest just been sitting there in the oven for an hour
a murder on the dance floor would explain the panic! at the disco
when someone replies to a locked account itâs like watching Han talk to Chewie
Do you ever wonder if your parents spoil your kids to get back at you for what you put them through as a teenager? Because I’m totally thinking of doing that.
Was at a political event recently (not my usual scene), MP was selling raffle tickets to support a potential parliamentary candidate.
I asked him how much they were.
He said “It’s five pound a strip”
I said “Do I get to choose the music?”
Just looked at me then walked off đ¤Ł
You can’t live on Cheetos and Oreos alone.
But God knows I’ve tried.
Friend: Are you in any fantasy sports leagues
Me: I wish *imagining Legolas dunking*
[Testing Cat-Human Translator]
Scientist: Cat, what is your name?
Cat: I AM KANG THE DESTROYER
Owner: It’s not working. His name is Socks.
I’ve changed a lot as a parent after 4 kids. My oldest started school knowing a lot of random academic things. My 4th will start school knowing the lyrics to Queen. We will find out which method works best in like 20 yrs or so.
gf: we canât have another pet
me: [holding my new rabbit] shhh youâre bothering neil patrick-carrots
I hate it when I change my profile status to single and the wife changes it back to married
[Running away from home]
Me: I didn’t even know houses could run this fast!
In 2009, Stephen Hawking hosted an open party for everyone, but only publicized it after it was over; so only time-travelers would know to attend.
As he expected, no one came.
This may be my favorite dog video ever.
Parental PSA: 6 days left until Halloween.
(Translation: 5 days until your child decides she hates the costume she picked a month ago & wants that a different one. No, not the one in stock- THAT OTHER ONE.)
If I were gonna give advice about how to survive leaving your phone at home, it would be this: stare at something else. I chose a weird baby
My neighbor is a real douche & always cheating on his wife, so I changed my wifi to KARL IS CHEATING ON YOU AMY for when she needs my wifi.
Kevins first time outside đ he was absolutely bewildered
Your baby is cute but terrible at helping me move.
My toddler was crying because she couldnât be in the same room as my husband when he was in a work meeting. In an effort to console her, my 10-year-old told her one day sheâll also get to do work meetings. This, rightfully so, made her cry harder.
A guy on TV opened a bag of chips and my dog came running into the living room thinking it was me so now sheâs playing with a ball she found and is acting like thatâs what she wanted all along
*someone at next table says âBFFsâ*
ME (peering over back of booth): BFsF.
A master’s degree gives you the ability to speak with withering authority about why you didnât finish your Ph.D.
When you tell me to “Go outside and play” you mean go outside & then back inside, then outside, then inside a million times, right?
– kids
Apparently this was on a digital highway sign in Tennessee yesterday đ
Mom: we looked at tons of baby names-
Shakespeare: What’s in a name? That which we call a rose by any other name would smell as sweet
Mom: we picked Bertha
Shakespere: oh god ew
“On my way” I said, pretending to drive my bed.
Just remembered when my high school changed the dress code to forbid “non-human-colored hair,” and this girl showed up with neon-pink braids the next day, and when they tried to send her home her mom said “I’m her colorist and I am in fact human.”
I’ve been a vegetarian for 13 years but if I ever got the chance I would absolutely 100% bite the head off the Geico gecko
Me: *To my 5YO* Can I have your Twix? Those were my favorite at your age.
5YO: They used to make Twix when the world first started?