@Papa_Mex

I’ve learned a lot about women. Ex: if you’re going to the hospital for a gunshot wound & she asks for tampons, you’d better stop on the way

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@shiksaaa

My boyfriend said he had a Catwoman fantasy. I must have misunderstood because we both wore leather cat suits to bed last night.

Awkward.

@loribuckmajor

I like to finish other people’s sentences because

my version is better.

@GinAndJif

A guy just revved his engine and drove off really quick so I had to chase him for three miles to tell him I don’t want to have sex with him.

@HogwartsLogics

Harry wasn’t chosen for Ravenclaw because he tried to catch the Hogwarts letters from the air instead of taking one from the floor.

@mattgallo123

Not to brag, but according to this food packaging I just ate enough fancy cashews to serve 638 people.

@sonictyrant

Me: *Holds up drawing* is this the guy?

Witness: that looks nothing like him

Me: *furiously shaking Etch-a-Sketch* YOU DO IT THEN

@YSylon

“Plumber kept hitting things with his head, attempted to climb INTO drain, took my coin collection, killed my pet turtle.

0/10 stars, would not recommend.”

– Super Mario Bros. Online review

@Skoogeth

me: do you want to play some ps4?

frenchman: oui

me: no we only have the playstation

@LlamaInaTux

Zookeeper: This panda is on the rampage and I only have 1 tranquilizer dart

Me: it’s pandamonium!

Zookeeper: [shoots me right between the eyes]