I’ve learned a lot about women. Ex: if you’re going to the hospital for a gunshot wound & she asks for tampons, you’d better stop on the way

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[inventing wedding dresses]
a massive skirt!
more skirt!
now, put a skirt over her face!
god ya that’s the stuff


Sex is only 10% of a relationship unless youre not having it.

Then its 100%.


Heads, you give me your phone number, tails you go on a date with me.
*flips coin into ceiling fan, it’s knocked out a window into the sea*


Todd on Facebook hates being sick.

Really Todd? Most people love it.


UNCLE: Officers weren’t even safe from their own men in Vietnam.
ME: I’ve just decided it’s too hard to zoom in on any more dogs’ noses.


My anaconda don’t want none unless you got a suitable living environment for him, a terrarium with a heat lamp, some small rodents, etc.


Fun Fact:

A burrito will never sleep with your best friend behind your back.