Gf: why have you been googling ‘can you milk a hamster’
Me: *wipes milk from mouth* it was for a tweet
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I really hope my 2 year old daughter is this difficult to get into bed when she’s 18
[grocery produce aisle]
ME: Hi, are these genetically modified carrots?
CLERK: No, why do you ask?
CARROT: Yeah, why do you ask?
This will never not be funny 😭
*Don’t Walk sign flashes*
Me: [from my wheelchair]: “Okay.”
only baby boomers will get this:
*pension*
Me: I need to see a supervisor
Hat Shop Employee: Excellent choice, Ma’am
CEO: We will be taking the company photo a fourth time, because it came out blurry AGAIN.
Loch Ness Monster: *sweats, adjusts fake mustache*
Sometimes I put a vase of flowers outside to let other flowers know that if they try to be prettier than me, I’ll cut their legs off too.
*drops ice cube*
*leaves it*
*steps on small puddle later while wearing socks*
I deserve this.
[heaven]
IAN: I only regret the things I didn’t do
ME: Me too
I: Like, I didn’t swim with dolphins. You?
M: I didn’t stop poking a bear
grandchild: when did you know you were gonna marry grandpa?
me: when the dude brought 4 different slices of cheesecake on the second date.
Most people think that T Rexes can’t clap because they have short arms, but really it’s because they’re dead…
I remember when people just wanted to date someone with personality..but noOoo, now everyone’s gotta have multiple.
I used to think people who looked for sex on craigslist were rock bottom… Then I discovered twitter.
When I watch hockey I pretend they’re fighting over the last Oreo.
The secret to effective prayer is asking for things that would have happened anyway.
Today marks a five year anniversary of how I’ll start going to the gym tomorrow.
Fairly sure most parole boards are more lenient than my wife in deciding who gets our holiday card
[cop who just pulled me over] i know you’re not really asleep
According to the Chinese zodiac, it’s the year of the dog, or “who’s a good year?!”
I can’t grab a drink with you after work. I am limiting my liquids since I am wearing a jumpsuit
When’s dinner?
-My kids an hour after finishing Thanksgiving dinner
“OPEN UP, THIS IS THE POLICE!”
haha, no way losers. I’ve got things to do.
*cop whispering* “what do we do? this guy is owning us hard!”
I want my kids to know they can always talk to me about anything going on in their lives.
Except Fortnite.
Happy Thursday guys and remember. If you can’t spot the douche at work today, then it’s probably you.
Me: “We’re going to go up an escalator! Can you say ‘escalator’?”
2 year old son: “eeeskvatay”
Me: “So no. No, you can’t.”
What I say: hold on with two hands
What my kid hears: hold on with as few hands as possible, preferably none