Sure I may be a little nuts, I tell my family, but how boring would our house be if I wasn’t?
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Maybe the Titanic sank because there were too many cats onboard, you don’t know.
4 years single just means I have a bachelor’s degree in being alone
I’m at Sephora and the makeup artist asked this woman if she was allergic to anything and she said “shrimp”
Me: My waitress said “Have a nice day” and I replied “I love you too, Mommy.” Lol, that could happen to anyone, right?
Therapist’s notes: “I’ve got a live one here.”
Be careful when online dating, if someone describes themselves as outdoorsy, they might just be homeless.
Goodnight honey.
“Daddy, where do babies come from?”
The stork flies them in.
“Why’s it take 9 months?”
Wind resistance. Go to sleep.
Why do meditation exercises always start by telling me to close my eyes? How am I gonna read the rest of the instructions?! 😆
what field of science explains how strawberries know that they’ve been purchased and it’s time to go bad in the next 15 minutes
THEN WHY IS HE WEARING A BOWTIE? I WANT TO GIVE HIM SPAGHETTI
[on the phone]
ME: Boss, I can’t come in today. Got a bad case of-
[puts hand over phone]
what was it again?DAUGHTER: [whispers] Boogeritis
ME: [to phone] It’s Boogeritis
Just saw a homeless man smoking a cigarette & it made me really sad… I wish I could afford cigarettes.
Whole Foods announced that a Prius left their lights on in the parking lot and now I have the store all to myself.
Noise-canceling headphones aren’t enough anymore. I need an emotion-canceling backpack. Existential dread-canceling cargo pants. A pair of shoes that makes me forget I exist.
No YOUR addicted to correcting people’s grandma on the Twitter
a fun thing to say if someone asks you if you want to hold their baby is “no thanks im trying to quit”
Baby Dinosaur: Mama, are we born just to die?
Dinosaur: No, baby. One day we’ll also become toxic fuels for idiot meat robots
casting director: whenever you’re ready
me: the name’s bond… james bond
casting director: okay, hold up a sec. do you want to try it without the finger guns
me: no
Whenever I go to Subway, when they ask if I would like my sandwich toasted, I say yes & then I raise my cup of Coke & say, “To my sandwich!”
My boyfriend is so needy. Always demanding things like “please untie me” and “just tell me who you are”.
everyone gangster til the tickle monster show up
[Watching the sunrise with my girlfriend]
HER: Aw, this makes my day.
ME: It makes everyone’s day, Sharon.
Me: The new guy’s a lumberjack?
Boss: Yep
Me: He seems nice…
Boss: STOP
Me: I’ll bet he’s good at…
Boss: DONT
Me: random axe of kindness
Wish I had the unbridled enthusiasm of a freshly groomed dog heading straight for a mud puddle.
*butterfly climbing out of chrysalis*
oh my god I’m turning into my mother
me: i lost my luggage.
airport worker: did you carry on?
me: *sigh* how can i?
Absolute genius if you ask me 👌🤣
One of the perks of being a woman is that no one can ever surprise you with a kid years later and tell you you’re the mom.
stop
‘So Timmy, how did you fall into that well?’
‘Oh. I never fell in, I was p-
*sees Lassie do cut throat motion*
-was jumping in.’
When you meow it is in a really bad accent it is the cat equivalent of the Borat voice just fyi that is how your cat perceives you