@YeahDrewisOn

I’ve learned there are two types of people in this world:

People I trust to help me bury bodies…

…and bodies

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@mrjohntofu

Its like grandma said,

You’re not crazy when you sleep

@JustMeTurtle

Dog sitting my sister’s terrier:
How much do we feed her?
-It’s cool just leave her food out.

Our lab:
YEAH JUST LEAVE HER FOOD OUT!

@doublewenis

Hey…quick question, fellas:

Does it still count as leg day if you just shaved them?

@Shot_Of_Cabo

Pro: Learning another language increases your ability to communicate with more people.

Con: Learning another language increases your ability to communicate with more people.

@iinkedZombie

Wife *returns home* anyone called?
Me: yeah, 5 called the baby an idiot.

@BrentTerhune

Just made a playlist for hiking. It has music from Peanuts, The Cranberries, and Eminem. I call it my trail mix.

@IvoryGazelle

ATTENTION EVERYONE MONEY ORDERS ARE A SCAM THEY EXPECT YOU TO HAVE THE MONEY ALREADY YOU CANNOT ORDER IT

@coketruck76

I was in a band called Click Bait. You won’t believe the kind of music we recorded. Track number 5 will blow your mind.

@david8hughes

[first day as aquarium guide]
Me: & here’s 8 snakes biting a soccer ball
Guy: that’s an octopus
Me [sighs]: fine. 8 snakes biting an octopus

@SteveKoehler22

Hey big accounts –

What’s it like to tweet “My cat sneezed”
and get 500 RT in the first minute ?

My cat would be dead before I got 50