@YeahDrewisOn

I’ve learned there are two types of people in this world:

People I trust to help me bury bodies…

…and bodies

You Might Also Like

@camel_racer

*Goes to the store*
*Buys donughts, doughnut holes, and glue*

@bridger_w

“I’m sorry, but are you suggesting what I think you’re suggesting?” -Fun way to confuse a waiter who just suggested a menu item

@rickolantern

Text is the perfect way of saying I have some information I need to give you but I in no way shape or form want to hear your voice

@mommajessiec

Quarantine day 6: Went to this restaurant called The Kitchen. You have to gather all the ingredients and make your own meal. I have no clue how this place is still in business.

@WetzelGeek

I knew this neighborhood was classy enough for me when I saw there is a “Pregnant Only” parking spot in front of the Liquor store.

@Mom_Overboard

Boy, was I disappointed when I found out canoodling doesn’t involve actual noodles.

@meghaffer

I’m not saying my house is haunted, but something just growled in here. It can’t see me if I hide under the covers right?

@SondraDeeMe

Me:She’s better than me.
BF:She’s not.
M:Look at those, they’re incredible!
BF:
M:STOP STARING!

-Boyfriend reading other women’s tweets

@doublewenis

Hey…quick question, fellas:

Does it still count as leg day if you just shaved them?

@vineyille

“Hey what’s today’s date?”
Neil deGrasse Tyson: You mean on the cosmic calendar?
“No Neil, not on the goddamn cosmic calendar.”