*Goes to the store*
*Buys donughts, doughnut holes, and glue*
I’ve learned there are two types of people in this world:
People I trust to help me bury bodies…
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“I’m sorry, but are you suggesting what I think you’re suggesting?” -Fun way to confuse a waiter who just suggested a menu item
Text is the perfect way of saying I have some information I need to give you but I in no way shape or form want to hear your voice
Quarantine day 6: Went to this restaurant called The Kitchen. You have to gather all the ingredients and make your own meal. I have no clue how this place is still in business.
I knew this neighborhood was classy enough for me when I saw there is a “Pregnant Only” parking spot in front of the Liquor store.
Boy, was I disappointed when I found out canoodling doesn’t involve actual noodles.
I’m not saying my house is haunted, but something just growled in here. It can’t see me if I hide under the covers right?
Me:She’s better than me.
M:Look at those, they’re incredible!
-Boyfriend reading other women’s tweets
Hey…quick question, fellas:
Does it still count as leg day if you just shaved them?
“Hey what’s today’s date?”
Neil deGrasse Tyson: You mean on the cosmic calendar?
“No Neil, not on the goddamn cosmic calendar.”