Its like grandma said,
You’re not crazy when you sleep
I’ve learned there are two types of people in this world:
People I trust to help me bury bodies…
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Dog sitting my sister’s terrier:
How much do we feed her?
-It’s cool just leave her food out.
YEAH JUST LEAVE HER FOOD OUT!
Hey…quick question, fellas:
Does it still count as leg day if you just shaved them?
Pro: Learning another language increases your ability to communicate with more people.
Con: Learning another language increases your ability to communicate with more people.
Wife *returns home* anyone called?
Me: yeah, 5 called the baby an idiot.
Just made a playlist for hiking. It has music from Peanuts, The Cranberries, and Eminem. I call it my trail mix.
ATTENTION EVERYONE MONEY ORDERS ARE A SCAM THEY EXPECT YOU TO HAVE THE MONEY ALREADY YOU CANNOT ORDER IT
I was in a band called Click Bait. You won’t believe the kind of music we recorded. Track number 5 will blow your mind.
[first day as aquarium guide]
Me: & here’s 8 snakes biting a soccer ball
Guy: that’s an octopus
Me [sighs]: fine. 8 snakes biting an octopus
Hey big accounts –
What’s it like to tweet “My cat sneezed”
and get 500 RT in the first minute ?
My cat would be dead before I got 50