I’ve learnt a lot from the movies over the years, such as how to count using Roman numerals…
I, II, III, IV, V, Balboa.
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*At a restaurant, 3yo not sitting still*
Aunt Lisa: What鈥檚 wrong, dude, do you have ants in your pants?
3: *Looks stunned, drops pants*. Can you get them out?!
Parents, let this be a reminder that young kids will take 99.9% of what you say literally.
The FDA approved a feline arthritis drug leading cats to switch from “meow” to just “me.”
[Party]
Me: so I went to the corner shop…and bought 4 corners hahahaColonel Mustard *jumps up* can you join me in the study?
Me: Yeah why?
Colonel Mustard *picking up candlestick* just come now
I’m not scared I’ll end up in an asylum after a breakdown. I’m scared someone will record it on their phone and I’ll end up on a GIF.
The baby spit up on my Xbox so I had to get rid of it…
I’m gonna miss that baby…
I’m speeding because I have to get there before I forget where I’m going.
None of my boyfriends even know they’re dating me.
On the third date, I like to buy the girl a really big meal so she’s already used to not finishing
Me: I can鈥檛 carry this heavy suitcase.
Him: I鈥檝e seen you carry in a dozen bags of groceries at once.
Me: That鈥檚 different, that鈥檚 food.
Warm pools make me nervous.
The Real Housewives franchise would be better if the season troublemaker got thrown in a volcano
son: I hate my name
me: but you’re named after your grandpappy
son: I still hate it
me: now look here Grandpappy Tanaka
I don’t know who needs to hear this, but putting the dead batteries in the junk drawer does not charge them.
My mom doesn’t understand that powdered donuts are eaten over cd cases while in cars, and my friends love donuts, and that’s why. (Not blow)
*picks up rotary phone*
Nine (ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta)
One (ta)Murderer: Lol
If you love someone, set them free. If they come back, it was meant to be…or Stockholm Syndrome. Most likely Stockholm Syndrome.
So the six-year-old has permanently moved in to her new place, under the kitchen table.
If you love someone, let them go. If they come back with snacks, it was always meant to be 馃枻
Probably the worst sound to hear is a crying baby because best case scenario there’s a baby in distress near you but if there isn’t then you’re about to face horrors beyond compare.
Me: I read where psychologists are worried that after all this time in lockdown, people are going to have trouble adjusting to regular social interaction again. What do you think?
My couch:
Will you marry me – Proposal
Will, You, Mary, Me -foursome request
Will, you marry me – Timetravler spoiling the future
Will you, Mary me – Cavewoman Introducing herselfPunctuation, it’s THAT important!
*yawning at an art museum*
“I already saw that on Tumblr.”
Cauliflower is just broccoli that鈥檚 seen a ghost.
Guilty! 馃お
What idiot called it chicken broth when you鈥檙e sick and not pharmasoupicals?
*sees a very smooth rock*
me: nice rock
my brain: put it in your mouth
me: no?????
Waiter: And what would you like sir?
Me: I鈥檇 like the entire restaurant to stop gasping every time I say something.
Entire restaurant: *gasps*
As a man, I honor Christopher Columbus every day of the year by refusing to ask for directions.
Most of the sports bras I own are because I couldn鈥檛 get them off before leaving the store.