“I’ve led you this far so the LEAST you can do is drink, dammit!”
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I’m not petty, but when someone is tailgating me I spray my windshield washer fluid and the payoff is seeing them turning on their wipers.
Aging is like oh look a new cute freckle on the palm of my hand is it cancer
I only make my food from the natural ingredients, like uranium and asbestos
6yo (to her crying brother): “It’s okay to be sad, sometimes we need to let our feelings out, just let yourself be sad.”
Me: “Oh darling, that’s so lovely, well done. Why is he crying?”
6yo: “I hit him.”#mumlife
*sneezes with a mouthful of toothpaste*
It’s weird when my cat paces around on the front porch as if she’s in some intense conversation. I mean, I even checked her for ear buds.
I get Botox so my face won’t show people what I really think.
I would like to give a big shout out to the one person in my life who doesn’t accuse me of being insane. So, thank you, to the little old lady who lives in my hair.
Sometimes I like to trick my dryer by selecting the Bedding setting when the load is really jeans and towels.
[after coronavirus]
Boss: welcome back to work everyone, great to have you all in the office again but I think some of you may have picked up some bad habits while working from home
Me: *in sweats, flip flops, and eating cereal out of a dog bowl* Like what?
Too tall: “How’s the weather up there?”
Too short: “How’s the weather down there?”
Average height: “I am cursed to rely on others to know what the weather is like”
700 people a year die falling down stairs that’s why my house only has slides
ME: I got you a therapy cat
WIFE: THAT’S A LION!
ME: I wouldn’t yell around Roarschach
My dog really needs to learn how to drive a stick
because what good is fetching one bottle of vodka.
Why do they have to make things childproof when I’m still functioning at a kindergarten level of dexterity
All I wanna do is
[gun shot noise]
[cash register noise]
[organ noise]
[saxophone noise]
[cow noise]
[cat noise]
Fix this broken synthesizer
Please don’t forget what Christmas is really about.
Asking your 30 year old cousin when she’s going to start having babies.
Note to self: Never choose a company name that ends in a verb.
I hate when people start off a conversation with, “Can I be honest with you?”
No, please lie, I insist!
Guess who’s got 7 thumbs and a a set of keys to a cadaver lab?
I think people would be more into libraries if you didn’t get your card revoked every time you climb to the top of the bookshelf to reach for an ancient spellbook thereby knocking one shelf into another and so forth in a domino-like fashion until the entire library is wreckage
I just slipped on a banana peel.
It didn’t fit.
Husband: Wouldn’t it be easier to buy a larger size jeans?
Me: (on roof) Just hold out my skinny jeans for me to jump into like we planned!
Sub the word ‘hostage’ for the word ‘parent’ at your child’s next activity to spice up the conversations with all the other hostages.
My confession was so sinful the priest had to call for back up
Welcome to hipster fights. You can ironically hang your scarves over there. There’s PBR and tacos in the food truck. Don’t enjoy yourself.
A vegan, an atheist and a reformed ex-smoker walk into a bar.
Everyone else in the bar leaves.
Me: I need a simple, easy hobby to relax and clear my mind
Also me: I will teach myself metalworking techniques from the Middle Ages
Maybe I’m the good kind of fat like an avocado.