I’ve lived my life according to one basic principle

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Is this cat saying Meow or Mao? Cause I’m not keepin some commie cat


I remember when peer pressure was all about drugs and promiscuous sex.

Now it’s Fitbit and who has the best gluten free recipes.


I invented a breakfast calzone this morning, hashbrowns as the double crust with an omelette in the middle. So now I have to marry myself.


11yo ceremoniously hands me a handmade birthday card she spent hours on.
13yo just as pleased with himself hands me the card he gave me already on mother’s day


Learning karate in case I’m ever attacked by cinder blocks and wood planks.


Nothing much worse than being forced to listen to someone else’s music and not be able to tell them their taste is shit.


The coconut is very versatile. It can be eaten or be used to make a radio.


The nice thing about putting a bowl of ice in front of a fan while you sleep is that you wake up to a finger bath to clean yourself up after all the rotisserie chicken you sleep eat.


Can I buy you a drink?
“I don’t drink.”
*panics* Oh. Um…well, here’s $12.


It’s stupid that “girl” and “world” are rhymed together so much in songs when “squirrel” is right there for the taking.