7: “Mama, if someone licked the treadmill, would that someone get sick?”
Me: “Are you the someone?”
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I remember when peer pressure was all about drugs and promiscuous sex.
Now it’s Fitbit and who has the best gluten free recipes.
Why do we call it losing weight instead of lightening up?
ME: *walks into a locksmith shop with hands cuffed behind my back* I was arrested but the cop let me go and he forgot to take off the handcuffs.
LOCKSMITH: Uh huh, sure, and you want me to—
ME: Can you scratch my nose?
My favorite horror movie
If you loiter in a Tibetan spiritual leaders sandwich shop every day, then you dilly dally in the Dalai’s deli daily.
Kim Jong Un has upgraded himself from “Leader of North Korea” to “Supreme Leader of North Korea” by adding sour cream and extra cheese.
[petting friend’s new guidedog]
so how did you get here?
“he brought me”
[later in bed w/ wife]
did you know dave’s dog can drive a car?
Went to the Planetarium to do some stargazing but I didn’t see one celebrity. Rip-off!
Two things I will never understand the appeal of:
1) Open relationships
2) Hairless cats