I’ve lived my life according to one basic principle
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Her: I never take my eyes off my son. I hate how parents are so inattentive these days.
Me: [lifting 6 out of lion cage] mm hmm me too
[first day as tour guide in the catacombs] okay so all these bones came from one guy.
Website: We use cookies to improve performance.
Me: Same.
Calling it Quarantine:
-boring
-sad
-lonely afCalling it house arrest:
-sounds like you do crimes
-you’re a bad boy now
-cool as heck
i kinda love job interviews solely because i’m the most delusional person of all time and they make me feel like i’m on a talk show
I’ve just text my new girlfriend that I’m into all sorts of douchebaggery.
Autocorrect clearly has a different idea on what debauchery is.
GF: …I’m pregnant
ME: *holding a 10-piece chicken nuggets box that actually has 11 nuggets* I’ve also got some pretty big news
I saw an attractive girl in the UK and said to her “you look like a million pounds”. That’s how I got this black eye.
Online dating rule: If we meet up offline, and you look nothing like your pictures, then you’re buying me drinks until you do.
I won the local hot dog eating contest and didn’t even know I was competing.
*waking up from a nightmare* okay no this is worse
Every Scooby Doo episode would literally be 2 minutes long if the gang went to the mask store 1st & asked a few questions.
Sex with me is like bowling. Lots of drinking and cursing. Sticking your fingers in weird holes. You have to rent shoes.
[heist team lowers me into the mainframe]
*I see a bra fastened around the keyboard*
Me, sweating: shit, I’ve never gotten past one of these
Dont skip breakfast! Eat a journalist! 😋
Couldn’t think of the word unscented so I said unflavored smell.
Welcome to your 40’s: that kid dressed up like a cop is a cop.
I’m forbidding the twelve people who regularly star my tweets to ever fly in an airplane together.
Couples have an amount they can spend up to without discussing with each other. Mine is around $50. My wife’s is around $643.27. Apparently
Congrats to my tween for graduating at the top of his class from eye roll university.
What I said:
GET IN THE CAR!What my kids heard:
Pour another bowl of cereal & watch TV.
Women I sleep with get so weird when I ask them to sign the guestbook.
Standing in line at the grocery store. Lady behind me says “you can move up and stand on that X on the floor”
I politely said “No, I’ve seen far too many Road Runner cartoons to fall for that”
“Stop slapping your brother’s forehead with that bacon.”
——‘What are things I never thought I’d need to say today’ for $100, Alex
I wanna congratulate Disney on outbidding me for Fox. I realize now that my offer, $13,000 and an IOU for $81-billion scrawled on a Arby’s bag in crayon, was unrealistic and whatnot.
My wife dared me to yell out “HURRY UP HAYDEN” at Disney World. Now we have 27 blonde boys & 8 girls following us like Children of the Corn.
My toddler stole bacon off my plate.
We all had a good laugh.
Then I made her move out.
Me <in a meeting, whispers>: I don’t really like Gary.
Gary: I’m Gary.
Me: I know.
It’s important to be comfortable in your own skin…
Because, apparently, it’s illegal to wear someone else’s.
I use italics as a form of revenge. Being a writer has ruined my posture, so I’m going to do the same to these words.