@KenJennings

I’ve lived my life according to one basic principle

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@chapel3929

Is this cat saying Meow or Mao? Cause I’m not keepin some commie cat

@PinkCamoTO

I remember when peer pressure was all about drugs and promiscuous sex.

Now it’s Fitbit and who has the best gluten free recipes.

@BatBatshitcrazy

I invented a breakfast calzone this morning, hashbrowns as the double crust with an omelette in the middle. So now I have to marry myself.

@Eithercryingor

11yo ceremoniously hands me a handmade birthday card she spent hours on.
13yo just as pleased with himself hands me the card he gave me already on mother’s day

@jeffreyr77

Learning karate in case I’m ever attacked by cinder blocks and wood planks.

@just1fool

Nothing much worse than being forced to listen to someone else’s music and not be able to tell them their taste is shit.

@chrisdowning

The coconut is very versatile. It can be eaten or be used to make a radio.

@realfunghi

The nice thing about putting a bowl of ice in front of a fan while you sleep is that you wake up to a finger bath to clean yourself up after all the rotisserie chicken you sleep eat.

@SirEviscerate

Can I buy you a drink?
“I don’t drink.”
*panics* Oh. Um…well, here’s $12.

@jwalkonthemoon

It’s stupid that “girl” and “world” are rhymed together so much in songs when “squirrel” is right there for the taking.