@spacewizard_t

“I’ve lost 200 pounds in just one year.”

“Oh. CrossFit?”

“No. Gambling.”

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@UncleDuke1969

“WHAT IS THAT NOISE?”
“Mom…”
“IS IT DEATH METAL?”
“It’s…”
“ARE YOU A DEVIL WORSHIPPER?!”
“One Direction.”
“ARE YOU GONNA KILL THE DOG?!”

@ArfMeasures

[Me as a hairdresser]
ME: What do u think of your haircut

HER: I need more volume

ME [leans in too close] WHAT DO U THINK OF YOUR HAIRCUT

@IamEveryDayPpl

Coworker: Do you have any snacks?

Me: WHY DOES EVERYONE THINK I HAVE SNACKS? DO I LOOK LIKE I HAVE SNACKS?

Coworker:

Me: Top desk drawer.

@Wine_Honey1

Note to self: Don’t get so drunk and try to ride the zoo animals, no matter how friendly they are.

@curledbitch

my premium snap prices:

-pics of me crying: $5
-videos of me crying: $10
-videos of me crying in the mirror while throwing the peace sign: $15

@AristotlesNZ

Whenever I’m picking up my wife I skid to a stop by her & yell “Come with me if you want to live!” so she knows she married pure awesomeness

@Reverend_Scott

[Fortune Teller]
“I see great wealth, also danger.”
Oh.
“And blue meth. Walt Jr. is crippled.”
Are you watching Breaki-
“Jesse is so hot.”

@ShortSleeveSuit

JUDGE: please read the last part of the record to the court

STENOGRAPHER: the witness stated that mercury was in gatorade

ME: can I finish

JUDGE: lmao read it again

@Wordesse

*finds a corpse in the house*

Oh great, more cleaning.