Is it true animals can sense danger? The cat’s been wearing a helmet all week and it makes me nervous.
“I’ve lost 200 pounds in just one year.”
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Took me 5 minutes to pick up the soap I dropped in the shower so I hope I never commit a felony.
It’s kinda like i’m a shopaholic but with alcohol instead of clothes.
WIFE: I said not to get a pet snak-
ME: He’s not a pet. He’s Secretary of Snake.
WIFE: …Please don’t tell me his nam—
ME: Kenny Hissinger.
I texted my ex,
I’m at a cemetery…..
wish you were here.
Living well is decent revenge but the kind with catapults and fire is way better.
911: Did you ring yesterday?
911: Day before?
Boy: Definitely not
911: Your voice is familiar
Boy: Please just help
911: Ok can you describe your attacker?
Boy: It’s a wolf
911: Oh for fu
shadowy figure standing on my ceiling: [starts chanting my name backwards]
me: man i have to be awake in like 4 hours
Na Fa Fo Na Na Fo Fo -Sassy black girl giving me her digits.
In a public restroom I found a sign that read “THINK” on the mirror above the sink so I labelled the soap dispenser “THOAP” to match with it