@spacewizard_t

“I’ve lost 200 pounds in just one year.”

“Oh. CrossFit?”

“No. Gambling.”

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@TheRealDudish

Is it true animals can sense danger? The cat’s been wearing a helmet all week and it makes me nervous.

@Brianhopecomedy

Took me 5 minutes to pick up the soap I dropped in the shower so I hope I never commit a felony.

@INeed_AnAdult

It’s kinda like i’m a shopaholic but with alcohol instead of clothes.

@TheAndrewNadeau

WIFE: I said not to get a pet snak-
ME: Secretary.
WIFE: What?
ME: He’s not a pet. He’s Secretary of Snake.
WIFE: …Please don’t tell me his nam—
ME: Kenny Hissinger.

@rcromwell4

Living well is decent revenge but the kind with catapults and fire is way better.

@ArfMeasures

911: Did you ring yesterday?

Boy: No

911: Day before?

Boy: Definitely not

911: Your voice is familiar

Boy: Please just help

911: Ok can you describe your attacker?

Boy: It’s a wolf

911: Oh for fu

@Shen_the_Bird

shadowy figure standing on my ceiling: [starts chanting my name backwards]

me: man i have to be awake in like 4 hours

@RamblingMachine

In a public restroom I found a sign that read “THINK” on the mirror above the sink so I labelled the soap dispenser “THOAP” to match with it