“I’ve lost 200 pounds in just one year.”

“Oh. CrossFit?”

“No. Gambling.”

You Might Also Like


Is it true animals can sense danger? The cat’s been wearing a helmet all week and it makes me nervous.


Took me 5 minutes to pick up the soap I dropped in the shower so I hope I never commit a felony.


It’s kinda like i’m a shopaholic but with alcohol instead of clothes.


WIFE: I said not to get a pet snak-
ME: Secretary.
WIFE: What?
ME: He’s not a pet. He’s Secretary of Snake.
WIFE: …Please don’t tell me his nam—
ME: Kenny Hissinger.


Living well is decent revenge but the kind with catapults and fire is way better.


911: Did you ring yesterday?

Boy: No

911: Day before?

Boy: Definitely not

911: Your voice is familiar

Boy: Please just help

911: Ok can you describe your attacker?

Boy: It’s a wolf

911: Oh for fu


shadowy figure standing on my ceiling: [starts chanting my name backwards]

me: man i have to be awake in like 4 hours


In a public restroom I found a sign that read “THINK” on the mirror above the sink so I labelled the soap dispenser “THOAP” to match with it