“I’ve lost 200 pounds in just one year.”
“Oh. CrossFit?”
“No. Gambling.”
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Spent a summer in Rome, so I’m fluent in dropping that into conversation
me: [reading newspaper]
him: *stares*
me: do you need to go out?
him: *stares*
me: are you hungry?
him: *stares*
me: you want the crossword?
him: *wags tail*
(home depot)
frosty: so…i hear this is where I can find a snowblower
I started an argument in a Yahoo! chat room back in 1999 that is still going on.
Maybe if Red Bull gave me buffalo wings i’d give a shit.
[my parents come for a visit]
i love you guys so much please stay forever you can have my bed i’ll buy dinner
[my mom puts a wooden spoon in the dishwasher]
well this has been fun,
Are designated drivers only for people who drink?? Coz I’ve already dropped my keys twice just walking to my car.
Im not trying to brag or anything, but I just got invited to play Candy Crush on FB
OH AND JUST FYI…. THE BAGS UNDER MY EYES ARE LOUIS VUITTON
World: What’s the date?
America: Well first and most importantly it’s June
I can’t find anything in my job description about being awake
alien: we have come to destroy all humanity
me: hell yeah
alien: what? I said we have co-
me: hurry up
“Friends” ended 10 years ago today, but thanks to television, “me having friends” ended long before that.
He said he wants to be my Sugar Daddy, and I thought awesome, I love cookies.
Can i have some thoughts and prayers for my sister?
She’s fine she’s just an idiot.
He’s taking you for granted? Act differently. Do something spontaneous. Spice things up. Sleep with his friend.
Can an objects name be any more ridiculous than the walkie talkie? Why aren’t toilets called ‘sitty shittys’? Refrigerator ‘foody cooly’?
4 am is a useless time. You can’t fall back to sleep at that hour and there is no point getting up.
When I’m president, we’ll do 11 pm twice and skip 4 am.
Cigarettes are a lot like hamsters. Perfectly harmless until you put one in your mouth and light it on fire.
Person: I evaluate the efficacy of new medications
Me: *nodding* a curator
A comma is just a period with a mullet.
Her: You have a cigarette machine in your kitchen?
Me: Well it would look ridiculous in the living room…
The kid’s party I went to yesterday was great until all the kids were given whistles to take home and now I’ll never hear again
New smartphone: $1,000
Monthly fees: $200
Data overages: $75Never talking to anyone:
Priceless.
Honey, can we skip that wedding this weekend?
“What? Why?”
It sounds boring and there’s no way that couple makes it..
“It’s OUR wedding!”
Kinda rude my neighbours live next to me.
Me: Your wifi isn’t working
Dad: Well, it’s right next to you!
Me: Yes it’s obviously something I’m doing wrong. I’ll wifi harder
Husband: I’m going to take kids to do something fun today so you can relax.
Me: sounds awesome!
H: Will you get them ready for me?
Get a dog from the shelter for your kids and you’re a hero
but get a hobo from the shelter to babysit your kids and everyone gets all upset
me: most people don’t use their middle names
machine kelly: it just feels dumb this way