“WHAT IS THAT NOISE?”
“IS IT DEATH METAL?”
“ARE YOU A DEVIL WORSHIPPER?!”
“ARE YOU GONNA KILL THE DOG?!”
“I’ve lost 200 pounds in just one year.”
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[Me as a hairdresser]
ME: What do u think of your haircut
HER: I need more volume
ME [leans in too close] WHAT DO U THINK OF YOUR HAIRCUT
Coworker: Do you have any snacks?
Me: WHY DOES EVERYONE THINK I HAVE SNACKS? DO I LOOK LIKE I HAVE SNACKS?
Me: Top desk drawer.
Note to self: Don’t get so drunk and try to ride the zoo animals, no matter how friendly they are.
my premium snap prices:
-pics of me crying: $5
-videos of me crying: $10
-videos of me crying in the mirror while throwing the peace sign: $15
Whenever I’m picking up my wife I skid to a stop by her & yell “Come with me if you want to live!” so she knows she married pure awesomeness
“I see great wealth, also danger.”
“And blue meth. Walt Jr. is crippled.”
Are you watching Breaki-
“Jesse is so hot.”
JUDGE: please read the last part of the record to the court
STENOGRAPHER: the witness stated that mercury was in gatorade
ME: can I finish
JUDGE: lmao read it again
*finds a corpse in the house*
Oh great, more cleaning.