I’ve lost count of how many times in the past week I looked at my inbox and said, “How the hell did I get on this mailing list?” And “What could the CEO of Spanx possibly have to tell me about the coronavirus?”
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Son: can I go?
Dad: storm coming, tornado warnings
Son: yeah I know
Dad: wait for your brother to get home, he can continue the bloodline
Men say they love it when you get wet for them, but then complain when you flood their entire house.
I take offense when people don’t invite me to events l’d like to turn down.
When I say “let me think about that” it means I’m gonna ask someone smarter than me
8YR OLD: dad, why do spiders not stick to their own webs?
ME: [remembering I asked the same question when I was smoking pot at a party in college] are…are you high right now?
Oh, you pronounce pecan like “puh kahn”? I always pronounced it “pee can”. Differences in dialects can be so fascinating, right? Well, anywho, that’s what your husband choked on.
A great vocabulary is such a turn on. A guy used the word “bifurcated” during a meeting and I almost threw my panties at him.
I don’t really believe in the sanctity of marriage but i do like the idea of someone having to pay legal fees to break up with me
What if T-Rexes really had long boneless tentacle arms and we didn’t know because we can only find bones?
Breaking news:
snowmen are one of the cutest things about humanity tbh. like oh it snowed? why don’t we make a little guy about it
I just want a girl that’s nice and sweet that doesn’t require a lot of money and I can dunk them in milk wait, a cookie, I want a cookie
may your fathers prosper. may your friends be uglier than you. may your exes get food poisoning
Hear me out – fortune hotdogs
A French press is when you hug naked
[stabbing you with a knife]
I’m just being sarcastic, lighten up.
When witches and warlocks correspond about their carnal passions, they’re hexting
I lost my job today
“What? How?”
I just wasn’t a good housekeeper
“BUT YOU’RE A BEEKEEPER”
Well that explains all the screaming
9yo: Mom, what did you do before you had kids?
Me: Slept in.
If you take a closer look, you will see a piece of mind your own business stuck in my teeth.
I walk around my yard with a cane so my neighbors will never ask me to help them move something.
*birds dress Cinderella for school*
*gets to school, goes into bathroom*
*buncha rabid squirrels gather and re-dress her in goth shit*
The guy next door just put up his Christmas lights… I bet he’s pissed because I beat him, I put mine up 5 years ago..
[uber driver dropping me off at the gym] see you back here in five minutes
Phew
Phew
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Phew ✔
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PhewThe Chosen Phew
I camp so other people don’t have to.
Boss – can you pass a piss test?
Me – Sure…distance or accuracy?
I’m gonna start cursing people out but with biblical phrases like I hope your crops wither and bear no fruit and the ravens eat your mustard seeds
Women aren’t complicated. Just give us attention and leave us alone.
That cute little run women do when they’re wearing heels and dresses remind me of that time I almost pooped my pants