[Invention of the airplane]
Wilbur: We’re ready
Orville: I’m still skeptical about this working
Wilbur: Hey, do you want to fight the moon or not?
Orville: *angrily making a fist* Let’s go
I’ve lost count of how many times in the past week I looked at my inbox and said, “How the hell did I get on this mailing list?” And “What could the CEO of Spanx possibly have to tell me about the coronavirus?”
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I accidentally rubbed ketchup in my eyes; now I have Heinzsight.
whenever I feel bad for not wanting to get out of bed I remember it took animals like 150 million years to leave the ocean for the first time and I can relax again, like what’s the rush
“are you a programmer?”
not really. me is more of an amateur grammar
Mr. Jones, did you or did you not have an affair with the victim, Diana?
Oh really. And what’s your first name?
Pre-diction: Baby’s first words will be garbled.
So much wasted time in public school, as an adult I’ve never used cursive, done algebra, or had to remember anything from sex ed.
They updated the Raggedy Ann doll to Swaggedy Ann. She comes with an iPhone, divorced parents, and 3 pairs of heelys
sex is intimate and sacred. your body is a temple and you shouldn’t share it with anyone who hates rick & morty
[Mad scientist lamenting]
“All that work, trying to create
a perfect palindrome ..wasted!
DAMMIT I’M MAD !”