@OxbloodAbernthy

I’ve lost more friends to Candy Crush than Crystal Meth.

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@ZackBornstein

Very proud of how these turned out. I bought them from a store like a normal person.

@Bandersnaaatch

Until my sneezes have time to figure out their beliefs, please stop blessing them.

@neiltyson

You Matter.

Unless you multiply yourself by the speed of light squared.

Then you Energy.

@mommajessiec

10yo: (screaming) MOM, COME HERE RIGHT NOW!!

Me: Okay, Okay!

*steps on lego*

*stubs toe on fallen over chair*

*falls over laundry basket*

*slip-and-slides across spilt water*

*arrives at 10yo*

10yo: Never mind. I figured it out.

@mrtruthandsoul

Breaking News: Scientists clone a new hybrid cantalope and cauliflower. “We call it the melon-cauli,” says Dr. Noah Lot of OMG I’m so sorry

@DepressedDarth

That awkward moment when your stormtrooper army loses a battle to a bunch of teddy bears with sticks and stones.

@ninatreemonkey

Met my boyfriend on eharmony, also eharmony is the nickname I gave this vending machine, meet my sandwich

@andlikelaura

[me flirting]

Cute guy: hey how’s it goin

Me: YES I ALSO LIKE BLUEBERRIES

Cute guy:

Me: THEY’RE ACTUALLY PURPLE WHEN YOU SMUSH THEM

Cute guy: *backing away*

Me: I HOPE DROGON IS OKAY

@MacMcCannTX

i absolutely refuse to drink any tap water till it’s gone though my brita filter that i haven’t changed in 5 years