Me and my dog accidentally butted heads. We’re both fine, but I’m concerned about my wife. She keeps asking me who the President is and I correctly tell her every time Ronald Reagan.
You Might Also Like
Keep your friends close and a bag of chips closer.
ok ladies and gentlemen of the jury, before i get any farther along in my testimony, i would like for you to take a moment to recognize the “jurors are beautiful” shirt i am wearing
I’m going to need all parents to listen to me when I say “LOOK AT THE DIMENSIONS OF THE DOLLHOUSE BEFORE PURCHASING”.
Just trust me on this one.
Signed,
Proud owner of a small house that would probably fetch $1100/month on Zillow.
My great grandmother used say that things were better in Russia before the revolution, but I think she was being Tsarcastic.
You want some advice? Don’t order crab cakes when you’re 700 miles from the ocean.
My current wife doesn’t like my use of adjectives
[walks in to UPS store holding rabid raccoon]
Hi my boyfriend said he wants to take a break so I’d like to ship him this please.
2yr old has discovered how to undress himself, and now I live with a nudist
At the beach, looking at all these fit young people, with their perfect bodies and perfect tans and I think “I wish I could be a shark”.
“This place needs to be sticky, wall to wall.”
-Every 2 year old with a Popsicle.
When your workplace is in chaos but your shift ended 6 seconds ago
LIBERAL PARENTS REFUSE TO GIVE NAUGHTY TEEN COAL:
“fossils fuels cause global warming”
“billy woke up to solar panels in his stocking”
Mom: why do you drink so much
Me: *stares at mom*
[meeting]
Bill: we’ll call it BILLOSOPHY
Phil [pulling out briefcase and assembling gun]: Good idea! Steal my board idea now this? Not again
“That’s herpes”
-my response anytime someone asks me to look at their rash.
this guy in South Dakota left his pickup sitting for four days. You know it’s the pandemic. In that time a family of Red Squirrels picked apples from a nearby tree and stored em in his engine and wheel compartment. There are another 1 1/2 to 2 buckets in the wheel wells!!
You want to make them feel welcome but not so much that they’d want to come back any time too soon.
Socialising is hard.
I know they took some creative liberties with ‘Noah’ but I really wasn’t expecting that Prius.
Pharrell Williams put out a fire on Kim Kardashian’s dress this week. Dude is really taking that Smokey the Bear hat of his to heart.
My teenage son just took out the trash without being asked.
Should I be alarmed?
This. Is. Not. A. Drill.
Wish all of my viruses were this polite
An ATM has surveillance footage of me feeding it Kraft Singles, so there’s that.
Don’t ever call me sexist.
Sexism is wrong and being wrong is for women.
Bruce Willis is talking to a parrot. “I’m Bruce Willis” he says. The parrot repeats it. “yeah right” Bruce says, but is secretly worried
My mom misses having young grandchildren, so once a week she picks up my dog and takes her out for breakfast.
I’ve never wrestled an alligator but I have retrieved something from my toddler’s mouth.
You know what else is terrible these days? Quests. They used to be an epic journey to slay a dragon and save the local townspeople. Now it’s just trying to find organic chia seeds in Wholefoods.
I want to see a movie about “Bottom Gun,” the worst pilots in the Navy.
Jamie Oliver says there’s “nothing worse in the world than an undercooked green bean”
I’m going to go out on a limb and say he doesn’t watch the news.
Her: *Looking at furniture we can’t afford*
Me: You know you can’t have that, why do you tease yourself?[A few hours later]
Me: *Watching sportsball on TV*
Me: *Perks up at cheerleader*
Her: *Just raises one eyebrow*