I’ve lubed my DMs so that anyone who slides into them slides right out the other side.
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Find someone who looks at you,
I think that’s a pretty good start.
I’m now starting to think CNN took the plane.
a fun game to play with a chiropractor is to go completely limp after they pop your neck just to see what they do
So apparently there are two types of white towels in my house. Ones to dry off and ones to touch if you want your fingers broke.
I’m 48 years old and I pronounce pumpkin like PUN-KIN.
Bite me.
My dad asked Alexa to turn on the lights and she started singing “Old MacDonald” instead
This makes the third woman in the house who won’t listen to him
Outside, contemplating life, love, and happiness and if I should tell the neighbor that his kid has been stuck in a tree for three hours.
“Linda Hamilton has already saved the world three times. Let the poor woman rest, people.”
-my husband, watching the trailer for the new Terminator movie
ME: [opening present from kids] Partially eaten chocolate coins?
KIDS: You said you wished you had hundreds of bit coins!
ME: [hiding pain of crippling debt] Haha I love it
I forget, are you supposed to be happy when you see their exes are ugly, or worried that you might be ugly too?
Millenials Are Ruining The Economy By No Longer Dying In Coal Mines At Age 8 In Exchange For Ham
Don’t know how to delete tweets so please disregard the one earlier in which I angrily accused my enemies of breaking into my house without any signs of forced entry and stealing only my favourite red t-shirt as part of an evil mind game. Just realised I was already wearing it
Facebook: Nothing is private
Twitter: Everything is privates
INTERVIEWER: You worked in a NASCAR pit crew? How does that qualify you to work here at the Men’s Wearhou
*I’ve already changed his pants*
The point of your 20s
Geppetto: Whew it’s a cold one.
Pinocchio: Mhmm.
G: Fire’s running low.
P: Mhmm.
G: Wonder *sharpens axe* where I could get some wood.
My son loves to cook and my mom said great now he can teach you and I said no now he can cook for me
Running away doesn’t help you with your problems. Unless you’re fat.
There were over 14,000 wars before McDonalds launched the Dollar Menu. Since launching it, there’s only been 32. Those are just the facts.
The news reported a story about an angry woman, in a grocery store, that drop-kicked a cake.
Dear God, woman. Not the cake!
I wonder why nobody told Forrest Gump’s mom that all you have to do is flip over the box of chocolates and it tells you what’s inside.
If history repeats itself, I’m getting a pet dinosaur
[Bruce Wayne enters Gotham Orphanage]
I’ll take your finest orphan.
“Sir, we can’t just give-”
Here’s $50mil.
“Do you like boy acrobats?”
gotta say, i love living by the sword. i hope there are no consequences from this regarding how i ultimately die
i’d like to die of natural causes like being stabbed to death by the grand canyon
i did it God! i finaly got 2 of evry animal
NOAH.THEY HAVE TO BE ALIVE
*noah looks at boat full of dead animals*
do u kno how long this took
Me: NO!
Him: What? I haven’t even said anything
Me: Oh, you looked like you were about to
My spirit animal is an upturned turtle.
[normally]
my bed has four corners[when putting on a fitted sheet]
my bed has 93 corners