I’ve made 2 terrible decisions in my life and they’re both outside throwing rocks at the new neighbors.
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[kitchen]
SON: [whimpering]
ME: Why is he crying?
WIFE: I told him there was no more chocolate cake.
ME: There’s no more chocolate cake?
WIFE: Nope.
ME: …
WIFE: …
ME: …
WIFE: Wait, are you crying?
ME: No.
This is Manny. Every single time he chews on his ball, it goes flying out of his mouth. And every single time, he is surprised. 13/10
My favorite romance novels begin with “Preheat oven to 350 degrees”
Me: haha why would I stop eating cheese because of what you heard in a horoscope
Doctor: stethoscope
Our Alexa flashes every time we get an Amazon delivery, which is why there are 200 teens at the door thinking we’re throwing a rave.
i want that job where u push scared skydivers out of the plane
50 years ago: one day computers will make all our lives easier & fun
50 years later on a computer on the internet: TEN SIGNS THAT YOU MAY BE DYING OF A VERY DEADLY DISEASE BUT HERE’S SOME ADS FIRST
For my new tattoo, I’m totally getting a chest piece of a chess piece, cause its fun to be a pun.
Signs that your pet dog might be a scorpion:
– Has six legs
– Fewer people want to pet it
– Responds to popular scorpion names like ‘Maurice’ or ‘Steve’
– Has a tail made of ouch
Dad: Are you hungry?
Me: Yeah!!! I could eat a horse right now!
Dad: I was asking the dog.
Me:
About to check Facebook? Let me save you some time. One of your friends has updated their cover photo to a picture of the beach.
I’m not proud of the person I become when there’s a cheese tray at a party.
*checks WebMD*
Holy crap, I need an ambulance!
*checks insurance deductible*
Nevermind, I’ll just take a vitamin or something.
Thanks for coming to my TED talk.
You didn’t say anything.
Yes, you’re welcome.
I want to meet the individual who made this
ATTENTION:
Die Hard is not a Christmas movie. It’s the BEST Christmas movie.
Case closed.
Mr. Potato Head was an only child in spite of being made by Hasbro.
Every time I see people kiss goodbye as they get out of a car, I think how lucky I am that I didn’t get that Uber driver.
I hate when people can’t let go of the past.
Debt collectors are the worst.
Edward Scissorhands: Maybe he’s born with it, maybe he’s Wolverine
Flying Monkey: Notice she only calls us “pretties” when she wants something.
Pizza Hut is going gluten free so while you are dying from a heart attack you can atleast not have gas problems
Keep microwaving fish in the office and stop wondering why you never get a desk by the windows.
[a boomerang is thrown at me]
me: oh no holy frickin crap !
[one second later]
me: (toughly) …ok yeah that’s what i THOUGHT
Me to pregnant friend: Instead of practicing on a doll, I recommend you try to bathe, diaper, and swaddle a cat.
Friend: [exaggerated eye roll]
***6 months later***
Friend: Why didn’t anyone prepare me for reality?
Me: … [whispers] meow.
someone is trying to tell me about a time when 50,000 people would get together in one place just to watch a baseball game.
Sounds fake. nice try, I wasn’t born yesterday.
Jason Statham: I kicked the cap off a bottle once
Me: I kicked my shoe off once and it landed right next to the other one
Jason Statham: Hey we’re making another Expendables if you’re interested
People are all like once you turn 30 you never want to leave your house. I was 4.
If someone brought me coffee right now I would follow them around like an imprinted baby bird forever.