@ericsshadow

I’ve made 2 terrible decisions in my life and they’re both outside throwing rocks at the new neighbors.

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@dadmann_walking

Please end your conference calls on time. You have no idea who is suffering and needs to go to the bathroom. your question can wait brenda

@ErrenMichaels

*narrows my eyes at you suspiciously*
*keeps narrowing them*
*closes them entirely*
[naps]

@TheToddWilliams

[wine and cheese]

HOST: Welcome, can I offer you a glass of wine?

370 RATS IN A TRENCHCOAT: We’ll start with the cheese thanks

@ellewasamistake

me: i feel like you only want me for my body :/

the demonic spirit possessing me: no elle, why would you think that?

@iamjeffsloan

Breaking Bad is my favorite documentary about what it takes to be an entrepreneur while balancing family life.

@MartaEffing

I hate when I take a nap on a park bench and everyone assumes I homeless. People with houses get tired, too.

@urbanfriendden

surprise your partner in the bedroom by loudly turning into a helicopter

@theferocity

I hate spitting so much. In “Titanic” when Jack and Rose spit at the sea, I was done. They got what they deserved. The sea did what it had to do.

@QwertyJones3

You have absolutely no fashion sense you wear nothing but brown every single day

UPS GUY: Just sign for the package

@OW_Divine

The average American eats 46 slices of Pizza per year
So I guess you could say that I’m above average.