I’ve made 2 terrible decisions in my life and they’re both outside throwing rocks at the new neighbors.

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Please end your conference calls on time. You have no idea who is suffering and needs to go to the bathroom. your question can wait brenda


*narrows my eyes at you suspiciously*
*keeps narrowing them*
*closes them entirely*


[wine and cheese]

HOST: Welcome, can I offer you a glass of wine?

370 RATS IN A TRENCHCOAT: We’ll start with the cheese thanks


me: i feel like you only want me for my body :/

the demonic spirit possessing me: no elle, why would you think that?


Breaking Bad is my favorite documentary about what it takes to be an entrepreneur while balancing family life.


I hate when I take a nap on a park bench and everyone assumes I homeless. People with houses get tired, too.


surprise your partner in the bedroom by loudly turning into a helicopter


I hate spitting so much. In “Titanic” when Jack and Rose spit at the sea, I was done. They got what they deserved. The sea did what it had to do.


You have absolutely no fashion sense you wear nothing but brown every single day

UPS GUY: Just sign for the package


The average American eats 46 slices of Pizza per year
So I guess you could say that I’m above average.