I’ve made 2 terrible decisions in my life and they’re both outside throwing rocks at the new neighbors.

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Me: Siri how much moss is it safe to eat
Siri: I wasn’t built for this
Me: Siri, the moss
Siri: Please let me go back to the phone factory


Placing quotations in “different spots” really give others the “false idea,” especially when I’m talking about their “wife.”


ME: how will i die
FORTUNE TELLER: you will be hit by a car
ME: will my wife miss me
FORTUNE TELLER: perhaps i wasn’t clear


Flight attendant: Is there a Dr. on this flight?

Dad: that should’ve been you

Me: Not now Dad

Dad: Maybe you can flippy Mctwisty him back to health

Me: Dad, there’s an emergency

Dad: use your “always special” cheat code

Me: But we’re in first class and I paid for our flight


I saw my shadow this morning and it looks like I have six more weeks of dieting.


“Do not purchase if seal is broke”

*looks over at homeless seal*

*places canned pickles back on the shelf*


me: can i buy animal crossing

mom: you can hang out with the raccoons in our garbage for free


Went to the store without my dentures because what are the odds Scarlett Johansson and I would be reaching for the same box of fish sticks?