Me: Siri how much moss is it safe to eat
Siri: I wasn’t built for this
Me: Siri, the moss
Siri: Please let me go back to the phone factory
I’ve made 2 terrible decisions in my life and they’re both outside throwing rocks at the new neighbors.
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Placing quotations in “different spots” really give others the “false idea,” especially when I’m talking about their “wife.”
ME: how will i die
FORTUNE TELLER: you will be hit by a car
ME: will my wife miss me
FORTUNE TELLER: perhaps i wasn’t clear
Flight attendant: Is there a Dr. on this flight?
Dad: that should’ve been you
Me: Not now Dad
Dad: Maybe you can flippy Mctwisty him back to health
Me: Dad, there’s an emergency
Dad: use your “always special” cheat code
Me: But we’re in first class and I paid for our flight
I saw my shadow this morning and it looks like I have six more weeks of dieting.
Sometimes all you need,
is 500 million dollars.
“Do not purchase if seal is broke”
*looks over at homeless seal*
*places canned pickles back on the shelf*
me: can i buy animal crossing
mom: you can hang out with the raccoons in our garbage for free
Went to the store without my dentures because what are the odds Scarlett Johansson and I would be reaching for the same box of fish sticks?
Teenage Mutant African Mammals