I’ve made a lot of bad decisions in my life but I never ate candy corn on purpose.

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Cinderella & Clark Kent would be a fun couple. Any time she took off her shoe or he took off his glasses, it’d be: “Who the hell are you?!”


[yelp review]
Chernobyl, 1/5 stars
weird ambiance, barely any night life. squirrels have laser eyes


[blind date]

HER: I’m a light eater

ME {trying to impress her}: I once swallowed a halogen bulb


For fun, I steal my married friends phones & change my name to
‘Brandy from the club’
then repeatedly call them & hang up at 3am.



ME AT HOME: I’ll eat a whole pizza & a tub of ice cream for dinner

ME ON A DATE: *just chewing on tree bark* this is all I need to survive


I don’t ever use my blinker. It’s nobody’s business where I’m going.


*Lysol kills 99.9% of germs on my counter*

LYSOL: “Hey .1% germs…

( -_-)>??-?


Tell your friends”


*writing suicide letter

Goodbye cruel world. Your going to really miss me when I’m gone…

Cat: *you’re


Just ate at a Japanese restaurant and the entire staff was Hispanic. I don’t know what is real anymore!


i’m so bad at rock-paper-scissors, last time i accidently joined a street gang.