I’ve made a lot of bad decisions in my life but I never ate candy corn on purpose.
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If another mom leaves her kids with her husband to meet you out somewhere and you bring your toddler, that is considered an act of war.
People with house arrest ankle bracelets get so touchy when you compare them to a dog’s invisible fence.
Interviewer: “What’s your greatest strength?”
*45 minutes later*
Me: “I’m very comfortable with silence.”
ALIEN:*points at Chihuahua* whats that?
ME: a dog
ALIEN:*points at Husky* whats that?
ME: dog
ALIEN:*getting angry, points at Pug* whats THA
if you aren’t on threads I just want you to know everyone is talking shit about you
It’s like my grandpa always said: make all your decisions based on the outcome of social media polls.
Crazy how I started out my life wanting to be Bart Simpson and ended up Millhouse’s dad
The Tooth Fairy plants all of those teeth as evidence
Can’t. Have to go tighten all the jar lids so I feel useful tomorrow when my chef sister comes cook
a BIG dipper ? in this astronomy ?
My young children are currently screaming because they collectively ate the last two bananas in this house and they both want more.
THIS IS BANANARCHY.
Every country has a wafer cookie, and every country thinks they invented it
ME: *sits*
BARBER: You’re completely bald.
ME: Just snip the scissors around my ears and gently touch my head for 10 mins, please.
Keep your friend’s toast and your enemy’s toaster.
Searched my teens room for drugs, was told “you don’t give me enough money for drugs.” I don’t know whether to be proud or up his allowance.
Remember in Mario Kart when you thought you were in first place? Then realized you were looking at the wrong screen and crashing into walls and shit..
That’s adulthood….
There should be a horror movie where an item associated with childhood innocence is unexpectedly evil
Parenting articles always give the most obvious advice: “Trouble getting your kids up in the morning? Put them to bed earlier.” Give me something innovative like “Invest in an air horn. We like this one that has a built-in water sprayer, available at Amazon for $15.99.”
You can take the girl out of the food court, but not this girl. I’m staying.
Me: *sobbing* I’m a mess without you
Him: Ma’am pull around to the window, you’ll get your donuts in a minute
The irish goodbye: leave without telling anyone
The Midwest goodbye: stand around for 4-8 more hours saying goodbye to the entire party
One Saturday morning at three,
A cheese monger’s shop in Paree.
Collapsed to the ground,
With a thunderous sound,
Leaving only a pile of de brie.#Limerick #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
I will have a piñata at my funeral.
You know, to make people happy.
It will be filled with bees.
You know, to make me happy too.
I don’t think people are allowed to complain about a Wonka Experience that sold itself as a day of magical whimsy then delivered uncanny horror beyond comprehension
Coughed up a pawn. Then a bishop.
Damn chess infection 😕
Got that cool new virus rsv and it feels awesome being early on this one. It’s like doing all your homework on Friday so you don’t need to worry the rest of the weekend
[date]
Clark Kent: I propose a toast
*they take their glasses off the table*
Lois Lane: omg it’s Supertable!
JUDGE: I’m going to hold you in contempt
ME [going in for a cuddle]: I don’t care how you do it
Why do paintings of Adam and Eve show them with belly buttons?
Me: 5, 4, 3..
Friend who has only 1 kid: “Why are you counting down?? They’re all playing nice.”
Me: 2, 1, 0
Kid 1 {Scream crying}
Kids 2 and 3: “I DIDN’T DO IT!”
Friend: “Oh.”