I’ve made arrangements for my Twitter reply guy to deliver the rebuttal following my eulogy.
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neighbor: did you steal my trampoline
are robert
me:
accusations harmful
MY ANCESTOR: [running full speed through a field to avoid a lion]
ME: [in an air conditioned gym realizing i forgot my earbuds] no way i can run like this
I had beer at lunchtime and now I think I might be sitting in the wrong office
This time of year, I get sick of everyone writing an “X” instead of “Christ”. I think it’s time we all put the Christ back in Christ-box 360
WIFE: let’s get a rhododendron
ME: I hate dinosaurs no thanks
WIFE: it’s not a dinosaur
ME: What is it?
WIFE: it’s hard to describe without a thesaurus
ME: I said no dinosaurs
Always be kind. You never know who has subscriptions to your favorite streaming apps.
When will all of this hoarding stop? I nearly broke down today when I couldn’t find any beluga caviar, Wagyu beef, or gold shavings for my fresh ice cream.
Ultracrepidarianism is the habit of giving opinions & advice on matters outside one’s knowledge or competence.
Or, as I call it, tweeting.
Doctor: I have some bad news
Me: Why can’t my grandma tell me?
Doctor: I’m afraid she passed
Me: oh no
Grandma: Yeah screw that, I’m not doing it
My doctor pulled me aside and asked why I had so many scratches on me and never in my life have I felt more like a teenage boy than when I sheepishly explained it was because last weekend was wrestlemania and I was practicing wrestling moves with my friend.
My wife still brings up that one time in 2013 I was indecisive about which shirt to wear, after her water broke
[First Date]
I’ll have a turkey burger. No bun, please.
[Second Date]
*just goes straight up Pac-Man on the basket of garlic rolls*
Her: You know, I hear a lot of guys are celebrating St. Patrick’s Day this year with a quiet dinner at home.
Me: Yea, the nursing home…
Dilemma: Your daughter brings home a guy with an Insane Clown Posse t-shirt on but your garden is already completely full of corpses.
Him: I’m leaving you
Me: *eating a cantaloupe like an apple* why though
Yo. I spit out my drink 😂
If pharmaceutical companies have taught me anything, they’ve taught me that people with life threatening illnesses love to hike.
Friend: but when the baby arrives, how will I figure out how to raise her?
Me: when you’re a parent, you just no
Just a thought. Why do trees get naked come Fall? They’re so careless too, just leaving their clothes everywhere
Getting my drone stuck in the tree isn’t the worst thing that happened to me today.
But it’s definitely up there.
This is what every Twitter trending topic looks like to me now
The @NewYorker buying Twitter ads to promote its article about how Twitter is dying kind of undercuts the thesis
accidentally juuled in front of my mom but she only saw the smoke and goes “what was that” so i immediately said ”oh my god you saw that too?” and now i have to spend the rest of my life pretending my house is haunted
you can tell it’s bedtime when the kids start blaming each other for it being bedtime, as if each brother magically and maliciously made time pass more quickly for the other
If you ask me where your glasses are, and they’re on your head, I will help you look for them forever.
*6 hours of Russian roulette*
Me: “I think I forgot to load a bullet in this gun.”
When I win the lottery I’m going to get dozens of fake IDs with various names. Then I’ll go to Starbucks and try to claim every coffee. Yes, as a matter of fact, I am Sarah and also Frank. Here’s my ID
*travels back to 1930’s*
okay and that’s why you’ve got to kill hitler
FBI: wait so you can just look at naked lady videos anytime you want