I’ve made it to 10am without eating my lunch what more do you want from me
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If I get on an empty elevator and I see a group of people coming, I will hit the close door button 27 times in 3 seconds.
I imagine the hardest part about being vegan is getting up before sunrise to milk all of those almonds.
When we first dated I thought your freckles were dots of inexcusable cuteness. Now I can see how joined up they draw a pentagram.
You want real 2020 energy? I went to the woods to avoid COVID and now helicopters are flying over my cabin because a killer is on the loose
The first rule of Minecraft club, is we do not talk about anything other than Minecraft!!
8-12yo’s apparently
My life is a lot like taking a road trip with kids, but it’s just me pestering the universe with:
“Am I there yet?”
“I want snacks”
“WHEN WILL WE GET THERE?!?”
“I have to pee again”
I just wanna borrow one of your kidneys. Just for like a sec.
I know two wrongs don’t make a right, obviously. But how many does it take? I’m like on 756.
Sometimes I buy enormous pants and take a picture of myself holding them up just to feel like I lost a ton of weight.
It should be illegal for your legs to go numb while you’re pooping like what does my body want from me this is harassment and bullying
Is a pamphlet just a smaller pamph? What the heck is a pamph? People make no sense.
If you love Christmas music chances are you never worked retail during Christmas.
ME: i’m having a lovely time tonight
my date: why do u keep yelling “ME” before every sentence
Honey is one of my favorite kinds of animal vomits to eat.
Having a daughter in middle school makes you realize every song ever written is highly inappropriate.
My daughter decided to put press on nails before a cooking party so I’m really looking forward to the crunchy cake she brings home.
“You’ve reached 911”
Knock knock
“Sir ple-”
Knock knock
“This is not-”
Knock knock
“ok, who’s there?”
Ben
“Ben who”
Ben shot real bad
“NICE”
no matter how many years they’ve been practicing, a bagpipe player always sounds like they started learning that day
Me: Well, I lost 9 pounds.
Her: That’s great, hon! Where’s the baby?
Me: Let me repeat…
If chameleons were better at their jobs we wouldn’t even know there were chameleons.
Anne Has A Problem
Anne Has A Solution
Anne Has A Will
Anne Hathaway
“Look guys! No hands!”
-captain of the Titanic
We have a local weatherman who often forecasts “changeable skies.” He makes a lot of money to make that call.
Comment on your friend’s vacation group photos and ask which kid is their favorite. Then suggest which child you believe should be the favorite.
the first rule of micromanager club is…here, i’ll just show u
Moving sucks because you’re expected to trash stuff you have you forgot was important. Sure I haven’t worn this t-shirt in ten years but I wore it the night Bobby fell off a roof and I got laid. You’re robbing this of me for “closet space”.
Ice Spice v. Mice Spice
Ninety percent of being an accountant is fighting off the babes…
let’s hear it for plates that are bowls