[Trying to find space in a parking lot]
Astronaut: We are severely off course
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The best part about pooping with the bathroom door open in the morning is being able to see everyones face at Starbucks.
Me: so you know how people just throw away dog poop?
Her: I already hate where this is going
Me: I’m gonna collect it and sell it as fertilizer. I’m gonna be an—
Her: *softly* no
Me: entre-manure
Her: I’m staying with my sister
[airport]
SON: can i yell bomb?
DAD: no.
SON: hijack?
DAD: nope.
SON: how about shitballer?
DAD: uh yeah i guess but please don’t.
I’m the drunk sheep of the family.
Singing happy birthday when masked is no longer permitted until we determine who was beatboxing.
Jesus was the only man to return from the dead and not eat brains.
Mom can you come pick me up? My in-laws are being racist again
It’s so hot today I went to see the ex just for the cold shoulder and icy stare.
Womens clothing designers: would you like it skin tight?
Me: uh no
WCD: how about moomoo?
Me: can I have something in between?
WCD: no can do
I’m not saying I’ve gained weight, I’m just saying I don’t think my belt buckle should be facing the ground…
they say the average adult has sex 54 times a year. November and December are apparently going to be awesome
Me, bright eyed, eager to follow the rules:
should I remove my necklace?TSA agent: … what… is it.
Me, smiling hard, too awake, excited to share:
It’s a tiny harmonica!TSA agent:
*closes eyes for a long time, her weariness meant for an entire generation.* JUST GO.
Instead of premarital counseling, engaged couples should be required to do a premarital home renovation project.
“Where were you?”
“Working late.”
“Do you think I’m stupid?”
“Don’t be paranoid, Loretta.”
“Paranoid? Paranoid?!?”
“Just calm d-”
“GO LOOK IN THE MIRROR MARVIN.”
JOHN LENNON: Love is all you need
ME: This guy knows what it’s all about
JOHN LENNON: I am the egg man coo coo ca chu
ME: OK scratch that
Many people told me I would benefit exposing myself to art.
I’m about to go for a run as soon as I text all my enemies and let them know.
Him: I’m really into clean eating.
Me: [trying to impress] I almost never eat food I’ve dropped on the floor.
Chines crypto account who dm’ed me was suspended before I could respond. Can’t help but wonder, did I miss out on a great opportunity?
I prayed and accidentally mixed up God and Lord and said Gord. So embarrassing.
I’ve walked all over this Hobby Lobby and still haven’t found the craft beers.
*tying a ton of balloons to my neighbor’s dog* Good boy, Oliver, now take your incessant barking to the sky
I thought we had something. You met my family, made me dinner, called me honey. Now suddenly you’re a “waitress” who was “doing her job?”
I was a professional waxer for four years till the law shut me down for naming my shop Smoothie King.
I’m no legal expert, but I’m pretty sure people who walk up and stand suuuuper close to you in line are actually supposed to go to jail instead
A long time ago, I learned the importance of just being myself. I think the world would be a better place if everyone would just be myself.
Me: Alexa, why can’t I ever get a guy to stick around?
Alexa: *shows a montage of me staring at my phone since 2010.
Did you know that there is a little lonely man inside automatic towel dispensers that gives you a towel because he’s happy you waved to him?
I’m not heartless. It’s just in a different purse at the bottom of the closet.
And Satan said “Let them drink instant coffee”.