“were u & mommy wrestling naked last night?”
haha no honey ur mom & i were just playing
*pulls wife aside* DID U TELL HER ABOUT FIGHT CLUB?
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I truly don’t get the people that say the only thing they wish for their ex (s) is for them to be happy, even if it’s not with you
I’m over here secretly wishing mine would combust
{Text to boyfriend}
Meet me at our place.
Me: *waiting in Starbucks parking lot
Him: *waiting in the backseat of his car behind Kmart
My autobiography will be a single piece of paper that says ‘Ugh’
Pretty sure Dora goes on crazy adventures with a monkey because her mom is on Twitter.
I’ve hit rock bottom so many times, I’m building a second home there.
My teen said “if you don’t like the way I’m doing the dishes, then do them yourself,” and lived to tell the tale.
[inventing the knife] What if a stick was mad
Look, I just feel like I shouldn’t have to bend over backward to get an exorcism.
ME: Honey, I bought a Pet Rock
WIFE: A WHAT?
ME: Shhh, you’ll make him nervous
DWAYNE JOHNSON: *already peeing all over the carpet*
Did I sled down the hill? You bet I did.
I paid for for the sled.
The kids weren’t doing it right.
And it was my turn.
[halftime]
Coach: Okay men we’re literally losing at basketball to a dog… any ideas?
-I have one.
*pulls out vacuum with a jersey on*
EVERYONE! Single file into the ocean, please.
Technically, it’s not road rage once you pull into their living room.
Me: Me and the wife are heading to pound town.
Wife: London. He means London.
DIE HARD (1988)
Rated R, 2 hrs. 12 min.
The dead guy from The Sixth Sense throws Snape out of a window. Merry Christmas!
for all #parents out there
I love birthdays! My boyfriend rented a special hotel room for us to fight in.
i dont understand how humans can land on the moon but also sometimes a snake gets loose from the zoo like are we good at things or not
I never met a problem I couldn’t make worse
The hardest part of your divorce will be finding a recent attractive photo of yourself to upload to dating sites.
*sits gf down*
i am about to ask you a big question. if you dont know the answer then thats ok… *clears throat* where is the space jam dvd
Therapist: And what do we say when we feel like this?
Me: That’s show biz baby
Therapist: No
Sometimes I treat my depression, but other times we go dutch.
Hollywood sets impossible standards we can never live up to. Not even once have I saved people from dinosaurs with my knowledge of Unix.
Superman hides his identity w/ glasses & a side part. I wear a quilt w/ eye holes & it’s still “Lisa, you’ve been banned from this Wendy’s”.
Make any conversation awkward by pulling out and starting a stopwatch without saying why you’re doing it.
Everyone says to marry your best friend but her husband gets all pissed off whenever I suggest it.
Accidentally switched the baby formula with coconut milk and now my newborn is complaining that her lullabies are “too mainstream.”
There’s no real way to look tough trying to fight a swarm of bees off of you.
That eye roll….