I’ve matured a lot. For example, I used to listen to Fall Out Boy and break stuff, but now I listen to Mozart and break stuff
You Might Also Like
My wife finally got a “Brazilian”.
He seems nice.
Dear parents,
Just because your kid is smiling at their phone doesn’t mean that they have a boyfriend or girlfriend. But it could mean that they just downloaded a demon from an occult website. Talk to your kids about the dangers of summoning demons through their phones.
my favorite game is called “Secret Family.” I go to the movies & sit near a group of strangers & pretend they love me
The twin sisters that live next door to me, shower is broke so they’re using mine. So, you know what that means…
More hair in my drain.
What idiot called it “The Nightmare Before Christmas” and not “A Nightmare on Elf Street?”
Her: I’m an only child
Me: There are literally billions of children
The recipe said “prick with a fork,” but enough about me.
*stable*
Me: that one
Stable hand: ah careful ridin her, she used to belong to an old knight
M: ok
*Horse goes 2 steps forward & 1 left*
WTF
Therapist: …and if you don’t start working to control your anxiety, you’ll never stop making your own private hell
Me: so I get to be the devil
Therapist: no absolutely no-
Me: Very cool
Therapist: wait but
Me: incredibly cool
Apparently drug dealers don’t take Kohl’s cash and they also carry guns, this is not going well.
8yo: What does Dad do for work?
Me: Why don’t you ask him?
8yo: He told me to ask you.
Me: Well played. Well. Played.
[Alien Vs Predator]
alien: feeling pretty unwelcome in this country lately
predator: oh man look at those cute kids over there
establish dominance at work by drinking iced tea in a wine glass
At Christmas, it’s important to pause and remember all those who have wronged you this year and how you can wreak vengeance on them in 2017
Find someone who cares about you as much as gmail cares about new devices signing into your account
Life would be simpler if you were notified when you were added to lists IRL.
“Your crush” has added you to list “Friend Zone”.
me: wheres the 13th floor?
builder: we skip it in all our buildings
me: what why
builder:
me:
builder: *embarrassed* too spooky
Wife online? Kids asleep? Time to relax & unwind with a damp cloth and a bottle of multi-surface cleaner. ‘Me time’.
Stop undressing me with your eyes!!
Use your teeth.
*me talking to a couple* so who’s the 6 and who’s the 9?
Don’t kick over a rock if you’re not mentally and physically prepared for what may be underneath….
Patient: What is this?! Are you playing stupid with me girly?!
Me: I don’t play stupid
*slams fist on table* I EXCEL AT IT
Patient, now panicking: Wait what?
Instead of calling it a “to do” list I’ve started writing “side quests” at the top to make it seem more fun and interesting and boy has that not worked at all.
I saw Jesus trending and my heart dropped. My first thought was ‘damn you 2016!’ but then i realized it was just his birthday.
I’d choose @funTweeters over anti-depressants any day.
Her: could things get any worse?
Me: *adds raisins* there you go.
As a teen: hiding in the shed, secretly drinking.
As a dad: hiding in the shed, secretly drinking.
It’s a good thing I brought poopy bags so my dog can clean up after me.
I don’t like camping, if I wanted to sleep outside I wouldn’t pay my mortgage.
You wouldn’t hate anything about yourself if the world hadn’t taught you how.